Midnight Necklace
by Howlynn
Summary: Katniss is in 12 with Haymitch.  Peeta arrives and is not pleased.  Katniss is having mental issues and this is sort of the ending I was expecting - from all the symbols that had been in the books - may end sad we will have to see.  The end is posted
1. Strange things

I** Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. 

Strange things at Midnight

I waited for Haymitch to come, but he didn't. He never came unless they called him and made him. I think he won't come here, to make me leave my house. Today I was just going to sit. By evening his liquor called me. I went to his house.

He smirks as I enter. " Miss me sweetheart?"

"No. Missed Ripper's mash."

"Well buy your own then." He says holding it above my head. His eyes are good-humored but my need is bright now and it feels like spitefulness.

I cross my arms and glare at him. He stands there looking smug so I sigh and turn around and walk out. I hear him calling to me.

"Katniss. I was kidding. Come back. Don't make me chase you. It is getting dark. Please, Katniss." His voice is weary and defeated.

I stomp toward what used to be a town. Haymitch follows me. Not that he wants to, but he gets sick of people calling him, asking if he will come retrieve me. I tend to wander. At first, those who ran across me, tried to leave me alone.

I sat on the burnt steps of Peetas bakery for three days watching them gather the skulls and little finger bones of my friends. They spoke to me from time to time, but I just look at them and they leave me alone. I try to guess who the skulls belonged to as I find them, but every time I really know, I get sick.

I sat there all those nights too, until Greasy Sae told Haymitch where I was. He carried me home. Haymitch is a lot stronger than he pretends to be. After that everyone just came and got Haymitch when I seemed to get stuck somewhere. The drinking helped. When I was drunk I stayed with Haymitch. I got used to waking up to the mess and I didn't smell any better than him now.

He had started bathing me and I let him. I couldn't remember to do it. Sometimes he was angry with me and would wash me too hard, then my skin would break open and he would cry. I didn't feel anything when he cried, it was just interesting to watch him cry. Sometimes he was kind and so gentle.

I was funny about being naked. I knew I was ugly so I knew it didn't matter any more if he saw me and after you have been all but naked on national television, it's hard to get upset about anyone seeing you. In fact, if he didn't dress me, I would probably forget to bother. I know he dresses me in fear that I will go wandering around town, melty skin shiny, if he didn't cover me up.

I am ugly.

Only Haymitch can stand the sight of me. I don't know where Peeta is. I want to see him again. I am going to leave soon, but I keep waiting until someone comes who will love me a little. Gale was in two before my trial even started. He didn't wait around to see me hang or be fed to the beasts. He didn't kill me and he knew I wanted him too, but I didn't deserve that sort of sacrifice.

I could have done it myself, if Peeta hadn't stopped me. Maybe what the capital made him, his mutt soul wanted to see me tortured. I wonder if he felt as cheated as I do that they had not made me pay for his pain. They said I am a lunatic.

I wish for Gale sometimes but he is as gone as my mother. Prim's cat came home and I feed the ugly thing bacon. I am not so mad at him for being ugly any more. Now we get along better.

I think Haymitch is getting tired of me. He saved me again. He took me away so they didn't put the lunatic in an asylum for the criminally insane. He can barely take care of himself. But he does his best to take care of me, even though it must be pure torture for him to be cooped up with a repulsive lunatic. Everyone who loves me must hate me to want to send me home for Haymitch to take care of me.

I tie knots sometimes. I have them hidden all over the house. I tie the hangman's knot, but now I don't tie the same one twice. I make them out of yarn and string. I have rope ones too but Haymitch tends to take those away from me if he finds them. I don't tie them at his house, because he bellows mean things at me.

Haymitch tries to get me drunk first so that he doesn't have to fetch me with a hangover. It's really only safe for him to drink once I am safely passed out on his couch. Sometimes he holds me and I cry. I wake up with him most of the time now.

I am not drunk yet, but I am in his arms. He has given me a shower and himself one. I feel relaxed and exhausted. The tears won tonight and he tries to be kind then. It has been a nice evening since I stopped crying. "Haymitch, I am still a virgin."

"I know sweetheart. It's ok."

"I guess I always will be now. Who wants ugly."

"Your not ugly."

"Even people who I thought loved me…..they don't now."

Haymitch hugs me and strokes my hair. "That isn't true. Lots of people love you."

"Do you love me Haymitch?" I ask after a few seconds of silence.

"Of course I do sweetheart. You're like my own pet child." He says smirking.

"No. I mean. Do you love me in that way." I ask serious.

He inhales deeply. "No. But I could very easily, so lets head away from this topic."

"But if nobody ever comes back Haymitch. Could you then?" I lean up and twist around to see his face.

He laughs. I lay my head back on his chest and don't say any more. I blink the tears away, but as his shirt gets damp he makes me look at him. "I am not trying to hurt your feelings Katniss. You are not going to be stuck with me, I promise you. But if I ever were lucky enough to be stuck with you, I could love you in a heartbeat."

He pulls my face to him then and he kisses me. I smile.

"Katniss, I never dreamed it could be so easy to make you smile." He cups my face and I study this grouchy, old awful person and little spark of hope fizzes in me.

I move to him and kiss him. It is nice and gentle, but sweet in a way I had no idea that Haymitch could be. "Thank you Haymitch." I whisper and lay back down on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. I can hear his breath like the sound of waves.

I sing softly, drunkenly, to the drum I hear under my head. "are you, are you…"

Haymitch's voice joins mine, still fierce and deeply pitched. "coming to the tree…" We sing the old air, and repeat it, laughing.

I feel the blessing of the liquor and the morphling finally begin to wash away all the fear. It washes away my hammering visions of Prim as I tried to reach her. Haymitch moves carefully, beginning his own medication, secure that I am safe from wandering away in the night. I would have to crawl over him to get away. There isn't much room on the narrow couch, but somehow he and I have begun to fit together.

I never heard anyone invade our private little hell house, but I wake, head pounding and thirsty, lying on the couch in Haymitch's arms. I realize we are not alone. I close my eyes against the terrible light. Who opened those curtains? Sae must be in the kitchen but the smell is strange. She is making bread and the yeasty scent reminds me of Peeta.

Sae is usually noisy in the kitchen, she stomps around and slams doors, making no effort to let us rest. These footsteps are soft and they have a distinct off beat, as if someone limps slightly. I slit my eyes open and wiggle out of the grip Haymitch has clasp me in. I peek over the back of the couch and rub my eyes to see who is here now. "Is Greasy Sae sick?" I croak hearing the oven door close but not able to see who is making the sound.

A fluff of messy blond hair sheltering hard blue eyes underneath pops around the doorway and leans, shoulder butting the doorframe, arms crossed. He smiles like a pond ripple, without much life in the storms fury. "Hi Katniss, you looked so comfortable, I decided not to wake you." His eyes flick a fraction to Haymitch.

I look down at Haymitch and realize what he must see. He came home and found me nestled in the arms of someone who betrayed him once before.

"Your home?" I ask.

"It's not home. It's just another place gone to ruin." He says looking at the floor.

I crawl over Haymitch and he jumps alert. "Where are you going sweetheart." He mumbled and grabs my hand, not noticing Peeta.

I point at Peeta and he sits up and focuses one bleary eye toward the kitchen. "Did the drapes fall down again." he complains trying to shield his one open eye from the brilliant assault. "Oh? Well look who has arrived in the nick of time."

Peeta grimaces and his eyes look away as if he's caught the two of us in a situation that he finds embarrassing. "I didn't mean to interrupt. Maybe next time I will just knock until you two can finally crawl out of your booze long enough to notice." He turns flipping a dishcloth over his shoulder and says, "The rolls are done. Come get something in your stomachs and maybe it will absorb some of your dinner from last night."

Haymitch and I pass a look between us both feeling the chill coming from the baker in the kitchen. He shrugs. I wave my arms at him indicating how we were sleeping when he had arrived. Haymitch smirks and grunts as he gets up from the couch. "We have to start sleeping upstairs Sweeheart." He says holding his back as if he cant' quite straighten up.

A cabinet slams in the kitchen. I glare at him and make my way to the angry noises. I try to think of something to say to Peeta but instead I swallow a drink from an uncapped bottle trying to stop the throbbing in my brain. I hope he will say something. Brooding, he sets plates on the table. The kitchen smells nice, clean for once and full of good things. I reach out and pick up one of Peeta's rolls and inhale it feeling the warmth radiate into my fingers. My finger traces the crumpled top, where the cheese looks a little like, most of me.

Haymitch flushes the toilet and he has splashed water on his face and combed his hair. "So when did you get here?" He asks observing wide-eyed, the sparkling kitchen and the three kinds of rolls in pretty bowls sitting around the jar of wildflowers.

"I got here about four hours ago. I went to Katniss' house and Sae said I would find her here, that this is where she stays," He pours hot water into a pitcher with Yarrow flowers, making a strong tea. "at night."

Haymitch scowls at Peeta's implication. "Well it is more convenient for me then having to go drudging around in the dark to track her down."

"I bet it is."

I look up at Peeta and see the deep pools of blue, rolling like thunder clouds. I sip the bitter tea and blow on it, not addressing his complaint. I can't explain what makes me wander. I keep my eyes locked on his and Haymitch settles into the seat next to me.

"Well, I for one, will be tickled to have a good days sleep, without having to wonder if she'd stuck in some ruined building that threatens to fall down any moment. I delightfully hand Katniss and her tethers to you now."

Peeta seems confused. He shakes his head and glances my way. "What's he mean?"

"Oh nothing serious," Haymitch answers. "She just tends to wander off, and can't or won't, find her way home unless I go hunt her down. I get her drunk and hold her, so I don't have to waste all my time searching. I really hate it when she takes off at night. She's much harder to locate then. I don't like wandering around that place during the day. At night it…gets worse."

"I don't think drinking herself into a coma is the best plan Haymitch. I can't say I think you sleeping with her is any better." He says in disgust.

"By all means boy, implement any new plan you think will work. It's your turn now. I am done. As far as me sleeping with her, as you put it, that is all it was. Sleeping. I don't think I like what you hint toward." Haymitch sits cocky and slouched in his chair almost as if he's daring Peeta to say more.

"I don't much like it either. But two half-dressed drunks pressed together with the curtains drawn is pretty clear to me." Peeta says shaking in anger.

"Half-dressed? Is that all the thank you Haymitch you can muster?" Haymitch reaches for the bottle and refills his tea with the clear liquid. He doesn't need to ask, he simply pours some in my cup as well.

Peeta, his face rage and rancor, knocks the nearly empty bottle from Haymitch's hand.

I stir and sip this new healing brew and sigh. I nibble the bread from my plate but the conversation is as meaningless and far away to me as the taste of Prims goat cheese. The thought of goat cheese, makes me ill now. It reminds me of Prim and a distant place I heard about before the game. I don't really feel like I was ever there, stuck in an isolated childhood, full of a mother and sister and best friend. All those things belonged to someone else. I could see them, and pretend they were my memories, but I knew they are only stolen possessions of another girl who I don't see anymore.

I slowly rise and head for the bathroom. I close the door and relieve myself then slip out the window still holding the bit of bread in my hand. I hear heated voices inside, but they don't belong to me either. I walk to town determined to find that girls skull in the ashes.

I want to find her remains and bury them so she will stop telling me the stories of who she might have been. They say she burned.


	2. Swine before pearls

Chapter 2

Swine before pearls

The day was windy and it touched my hair, pulling my soul to fly away too. I walk slow and steady, not in a hurry, pushed by the wind to answer the voices. I didn't like the place of the skulls, but it is where I belong. They grow louder, singing my guilt on the wind and demanding my attention and my life. I can only give them one of these things right now, but I know the rest will follow soon. I must find them before I become beautiful with them.

The bone collectors eye my path as they search. I know they will begin to follow. They don't speak to me except to ask if I know the name. I always answer this question. They rely on me to find the bits that call me. They have to search, but I only have to listen. A familiar face smiles and I glance at him and nod. I turn and he follows, keeping the distance he knows I demand.

The wind roars and whips up the ashes. I don't pay attention. I hear the collector cough behind me. I peek at him again seeing him raise his arm to his nose, hand full of the flags they mark my voices with. I hear the first one close. Moving slowly, stalking it like game, I listen carefully.

I sink down on my knees and shove my bread in my pocket. I begin digging through the remains of the burned world and soon the voice is louder. "It's you. You are the reason I am ruined. You made me like this. I hate you Katniss. We all hate you."

The face comes to light and it's bone white surface is stained a mottled gray where the ash has covered it. I smell it and gag. "I know. I am sorry. I have to find you before I can be punished. I have to let you say what you want to me. I have to help them remember you."

"It hurts to die. I hope you die in pain like we did. I am glad you're burned. You know how it felt." The voice of the man in the ruin says as I gently reveal his face and let the collector come close to see him.

The collector doesn't speak, but he writes down the things I say on his little white flag. "This was Talmud. He worked in the mines. His wife, Patria, is over there under the beam. He tried to save her but the wall was too heavy." I say all the things the voice tells me as the collector writes my words for the records. He moves to the silent one and places another flag.

I don't speak to the collector. I rise and move on, stalking the next voice. He follows, waiting until I nod and indicate I am about to speak again. My hands are black like my knees. Haymitch will be mad. He is offended by the smell of death that lingers on me after I wander. He will find me long before I am finished for the day. He will want to wash me again. He doesn't understand that his kindness can't wash the dirt and smell of decay from my mind. I will never be clean. Poor Haymitch can't see my truth. He still has hope. He doesn't know that I am already dead. He thinks he still must watch over me like a fallen angel watches over the damned.

Hours pass and I hear them coming to search for me. They are still arguing and Haymitch is mad. I can see that he is in need. The sight of Peeta, puts me in need as well. I look down at my hands and arms. I may as well have worked in the mines today. My burned skin is covered in char and grit. My hair is lank and sooty from the wind and the sweat mixed with the death I have revealed. Twenty-five white flags mark my progress for the day.

The collector waves to get Haymitch's attention, but I keep digging. The boy from the seam is telling me how I am his murderer. I nod and tell him softly that I remember him. Maggots fall from his tiny jaw as I lift his skull and cradle it in my arms, comforting the tears of the dead. "Hayen Lock. Born the week after the mine collapsed. He was a good boy and my sister went to school with his brother. He was good at finding lost things for people. He died of the smoke. This one didn't burn."

I smile at him and kiss his forehead, and the ruined little boy says softly, "Thank you, Katniss." And closes his eyes, that are really no longer there.

"Katniss what are you doing?" I look up and I see the one who stands next to Haymitch looking at me as if he is just seeing my soul for the first time. Now Peeta knows me. I see that he will be gone soon. I don't blame him, but at least he came for a little while. I remove his cheese bread from my pocket and rip a bit from the loaf and slip it into my mouth, unconcerned that the things I have been touching today have left dark smudge on his beautiful offering. I chew slowly and swallow.

"Saying good bye to Hayen." I say confused by his anger and disgust. I watch him gag and bend to vomit.

I sigh and stand up looking at the trail of flags I have made this day. The wind is calm now and though I can still hear the voices, they are not so angry. I know I have to go with Haymitch now. Haymitch is the only one who still loves me, so I have to be nice to him a little. The voices will still be here the next time I wander. Today, I have helped some of them. I still have not found the one I need to talk with. I have not found that lost girl who cries for me to return.

Haymitch smiles and reaches his hand out to help me over the rubble, like a knight from a story helping a princess out of a fancy carriage. I lean and let him grab my elbow, which is a little cleaner. "Are you ready to go home Katniss? Have you wallowed with your friends enough for one afternoon?"

I blink yes at him and step carefully to his side. The collector and Haymitch speak, but I am lost in voices again. Peeta is wiping his mouth and buries his nose in his shirt. I look away from his judgmental eyes and his stupid tears.

We walk back toward victor's village. "Katniss you snuck away again and you must wear more cloths if you leave the house." Haymitch says kindly.

"I put on a jacket." I remind him.

"Yes, darling but you have sunburned your legs and your jacket was this morning, more of a robe, and you are red on your arms as well. Your skin cannot be in the sun anymore. It is too delicate." His hand guides me back on the road. Something had caught my attention in a field.

"And too ugly. But you won't let me go at night Haymitch. You make me stay with you." I remind him, not able to help it if he can't see as well as I do in the dark.

"Is she insane Haymitch? Is that what you are saying without saying it?" Peeta says, tagging along behind us, not able to be near me.

I stop dead and spin on him. "I am not crazy. I am just dead Peeta. I tried so hard to stay alive for you. But you didn't come. I help them."

"Your not dead. Your just …not all here either. I am here now. We will figure this out Katniss." Peeta says more kindly.

I don't reply. There is nothing to figure out. "I need a drink Haymitch." I lean into him and shiver.

"Soon as I get you cleaned up, sweetheart." He wraps his arm around me. "Nice warm shower, and a little bread, then we can enjoy our charming company and…"

"Mildred Kole, who was that Haymitch?" I interrupt. I feel him shiver and look up.

He takes a deep breath and I see him struggle to unclamp his jaw. He swallows and glances at me, not able to hide his flash of fear. "She was a girl I knew once. Her sister Maddie, was a tribute. My first year as a mentor. She died at the cornucopia five minutes into the game. Mildred was just old enough that she could not volunteer. Why do you ask?"

I close my eyes and deliver the message word for word to him as I walk. "Tell Abernathy I didn't mean it. It wasn't his fault. Tell him thank you and send him my forgiveness. I know what he did all those years. I should have said it." I opened my eyes and saw he fought tears. "What did you do?"

He shook his head. "Nothing that mattered. You found her?"

I nod. "She was kind."

He moved his lips into a half smile. "Yes she was. Beautiful once too." He glances back at Peeta who is silent at our exchange. "You coming boy? Time you learn what this takes."

We arrive at Haymitch's house. I stand, waiting for him to undress me in the bathroom. I can hear them arguing again. Peeta insists he will help me. My eyes grow wild in horror as he enters the room. "Haymitch" I both call and demand.

Peeta looks hurt, but he approaches me as if I will allow him to tend to me. I shake my head and call to Haymitch again. Peeta holds his arms out to me and I stand there, knowing I can't let him see me. I shake my head.

"Don't be ridiculous Katniss. You know I will take care of you." He tries to take off the soiled jacket and I collapse on the floor screaming at him to leave me alone. "No. No. No. Haymitch help me."

"Katniss. I am here now. Let me?" He pulls at my dirty cloths and I go nearly insane with fear and embarrassment. "You walked around all day, in front of everyone, in next to nothing. You stink like hell itself and you would rather he help you? You won't even give me a chance?" I hear the sob in his voice, but I can't let him touch me.

Haymitch appears at the door. His eyes don't meet Peeta's. "Maybe you should let me."

"Please Haymitch. Don't let him." I beg.

Peeta glares at me. He stands up and storms out of the bathroom. Haymitch sighs as he turns on the water and carefully removes my ruined garments. I breathe heavily and stand like a frightened animal in the water waiting for him to join me. Haymitch, a pair of bathing trunks on, steps into the shower and gently soaping my bright red skin, he soothes away the days death. I close my eyes and moan as his fingers shampoo my scalp. "That feels so good Haymitch. I wish you could do that forever." He washes my hair until my scalp feels like it buzzes.

"Here all done, close your eyes. Let me get you rinsed." He murmurs.

It takes him a while to get the ground in soot off my legs and knees. I wash his hair as he is knelt down in front of me. He is trying to be so careful. My skin is on fire now. "Am I hurting you?"

"A little, but I don't care." I play in the soap and arrange his hair in silly patterns. I giggle. "Does that feel nice?"

"It feels like I have a new styling team and that I should be expecting to be primped and prodded until I hit someone." He stands smiling. He rinses the shampoo out of his hair and reaches around me to shut off the water. I shake my head and hand him his razor. He rolls his eyes. "I don't think that is necessary Katniss."

"I like it. Please Hay. I like to watch you." I smile.

His face softens. "You want that my dear? Here, you do it" He takes a seat on the ledge and leans his head back closing his eyes and exposing his throat to me.

I look down at the razor. "Are you sure. I am crazy and all. What if I hurt you?"

He never opens his eyes. "I trust you. You won't hurt me."

I blush at his complete trust of me. I know I could just as easily slice through his skin as remove the stubble. But, I carefully soap his throat and chin. "I have never done this before."

"Then please take your time." He says dripping humor.

I hold the razor to his throat and trying to keep my hands steady I lift the first streak of soap and hair from his skin. No blood appears. I become absorbed in this task and quickly loose the worry of all things, but shaving my friend and not nicking him. I place my knee on the shelf and lean his head to me, pulling his skin to ease the path.

I realize I have his head nestled to my naked chest. His eyes watch me and I don't know if he has realized I am aware. I run my hands over his face, feeling the smooth slick texture. "I think I am done."

He sighs in contentment. "You did a wonderful job. Any improvemen?" He says with a crooked smile that just shows off a dimple I have never noticed.

"No. None." I say.

"Well, I guess we should be thankful I am not on the floor twitching as the last of my high octane blood swirls down the drain." He smiles more.

"Not sure what you were thinking. Bad odds." I am proud that I didn't slit his throat. My heart swells, that after everything, he would trust me.

He pulls me into a sitting position. I curl up in a ball next to him. "You need to give Peeta a chance. You are hurting his feelings."

I nod. "But he doesn't want me. Did you see how he looked at me? He made the same face along time ago when he fed his pigs. He thinks I am ugly. I can't let him see me, like this. I would go crazy if he looked at me. Please Haymitch. Don't make me. I won't. It's only ok for you. You don't look at me like I make you sick."

He sighs deeply. "So that's what happened. Ok, Katniss I will try to explain to him. I will make him see somehow, that he has the wrong impression. But I insist you try. Promise me?"

"I don't care what he thinks now. I saw what he thinks of me. Just like all the others." I shake my head slightly and rub his smooth chin, tracing his jaw line and liking the way he feels when he's shaved and clean.

"Come on. Your wrinkling and I need to get some cream on your skin. Did you wash your little areas?" He asks, eyebrows rose, letting me know he knew the answer.

I shook my head. He handed me a wash-cloth and averted his eyes as I scrubbed myself in the places he said he was not allowed to. I wouldn't have cared by now, but he cared about it somehow. I stepped out of the shower. Haymitch removed his trunks as he washed himself. He didn't notice how I watched him. He froze when he caught me.

"Katniss." He said twirling his finger for me to turn around. I complied.

Peeta was at the stove. He tried to hide that he'd been crying as we emerged from the bathroom. Haymitch had me slathered up in cream that was supposed to make my skin not burn, but the orange tint to the ointment just made me feel more like a cheese bun.

"Dinners ready, did you enjoy your intimate little moment? Was the water hot enough Haymitch?" He glares at us. I notice there are only two plates on the table.

Haymitch rolls his eyes and curses the ceiling. "You are not helping this with your jealous tirades!" He says this with a cool voice, but I see he is seething.

"Going to play the innocent? How stupid do you think I am? I brought you towels. What felt so good Katniss, that you didn't want him to stop?" He looked at me like I was a maggot. He looked at me, just like some of the voices looked at me, when I found them and could see their faces. I couldn't speak.

"I was washing her hair Peeta. Is that what you think of me? If I had wanted that, don't you think I could have talked her into it long ago? Fennick wasn't the only show in town Peeta. I have not seduced her, and so help me, if you make that suggestion again, I am going to knock your teeth out the back of your head." Haymitch said venom and pure wrath making his voice snottier, like someone from the capital.

I hide my head and turn to Haymitch. I feel the sorrow seeping back into me. "Make him go Haymitch. He hates me. I told you. They all do now. I won't be much longer. But, I have to find it first. He looked at the pigs like that. Make him leave, I'm not a pig." I know I am loosing it, but he isn't dead and I don't have to put up with him.

"What's she talking about Haymitch. I don't understand." Peeta is not accusing him now.

"I don't know Peeta. She said you look at her exactly like you did the Pigs when you were a boy. I have tried to explain. This is not what you believe. Come back tomorrow. But don't bother if this is the best you can do. Make a trip by her house. Look around a bit. Note her décor. Then see if you can glimpse this situation with less surety of what my motives have been. If you can't deal with it, at least don't make it worse." Haymitch had me enclosed protectively in his arms. He patted my back as I tried to find a way to crawl inside him so he could shield me from the world.

I heard Peeta sigh. "I will be back. If I find out you are lying Haymitch…" he left the words hanging in the air.

"It's Ok sweetheart. I've got you. Lets see what Peeta made us. It smells good."

"He's slopped the pigs." I say. I won't touch a bite. I eat a cheese roll and finish with a Rippers white or twelve, while Haymitch watches me. My need finally eases, as the alcohol seeps into me.

"I think that's good. Can you make it up the stairs? I think we deserve a night less crowded." He stands up; two bottles clutched in one hand and holds his other out to me.

"Are you going to seduce me? Like he thinks?" I say on the way.

He leads me into his bedroom and closes the door. "What do you think?"

I crawl under the covers and look at Haymitch. "I think that you might." I say not looking at him. He follows me down on the bed, adjusts the covers and holds out his arm for me to take my place so if I leave it will wake him.

"Is that what you really think?" He looks at me, eyes twinkling.

I snuggle to him and sigh. He takes a long drink. I close my eyes and listen to his heart. I kiss him. He responds sweetly. I listen to his heart again; its pace has only accelerated slightly. I smile at him finally. "I think, no matter what, I should always trust you."

"Good answer, sweetheart. Sing for me. The one Finnick taught you about the sea people who have fish tales and human heads."

I sing for a long time. When I stop he cradles me and kisses my forehead, giving his own comfort to the dead.

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Please review - I appreciate your comments!


	3. Tree of life

Chapter 3

Tree of life

I woke alone in the morning. Haymitch is up. I hear voices and make sure I made no floorboards shift as I listen from the top of the stairs. I did not socialize with people when Haymitch had guests. Only capital people ever wanted to see me. He let the doctors examine me, holding my hand to keep me calm. Others, he refused to allow near me.

The voice is just Peeta, but I sit silently to eavesdrop. I clean my fingernails as I listened to them talk about me.

"What does criminally insane mean to you Peeta? Did you think that you get to just show up here when you got around to it, and she would be all smiles and falling in your arms?" Haymitch is wearing his mean smile, I can tell from his tone. My lips curl at the image.

"I don't know, but never did I ever envision finding her in yours. I never hated you before Haymitch, not even when you left me. But, I have to say I am awfully close to that point right now. If she hadn't been so terrified of me, I would kill you, swear it on my word. I could beat you to death with a rock." Peeta's voice is hoarse.

"Well, your little girl has already tried that Peeta. Several times in fact. In the first two weeks she didn't move a muscle. Sae wouldn't care for her any longer if I didn't agree to keep her cleaned up. The first time she tried to kill me, we were sitting at this table. She finished her dinner and tried to stab me with her dinner knife. The rock bashing was one day on our way into town. You may not understand this Peeta, but she has come a vast distance. If you had told me you were coming, I could have prepared her. I would have prepared you as well. Instead your little surprise…"

Peeta interrupts, voice shaking and I can tell he's pacing. "Backfired. I tried not to think you could take advantage of her. But it is just too much, Haymitch. You sleep with her every night, both of you drunk beyond description. You bathe together. It makes me sick. Now you expect me to believe you have never gone beyond innocent noble care? I mean I have never been naked in the shower with her and we were to be married. I feel like I have been replaced. No, more than that, she is in fear of me."

Haymitch's voice is calm and mild, like he is with me."She fears your disapproval Peeta. Did you see her face when she left the couch? She came to you then. She gave you a chance and you treated her like she was dirty. She is far more perceptive than you can imagine. I had to win her trust. You can if you wish it. The way your acting now, she feels you are already gone and I have to say I was expecting you three months ago, when you were released."

Peeta laughs as if what Haymitch says is funny. I don't understand. Where has Peeta been all this time? Haymitch had told me he just couldn't come home yet. If he was released three months ago, then he didn't want to see me. Why had he bothered to show up now? I thought back to the last time I saw him. He had stopped me from taking the nightlock. It had gone through my head a thousand times, but I had never been able to say it. Now that I knew his eyes again, I accepted what he'd done, for what it was.

It wasn't that Peeta hadn't wanted me to die at all. He wanted to see it happen slowly. He wanted to see it happen the capital way. He wanted me to be tortured to death, to make up for what I had put him through. Gale knew what I begged him for and refused me. Peeta did too. That was why they had not come.

"Katniss has been right here Peeta. I have been here. Where were you? Where is her damned mother? Where is the brooding cousin now? Who is here for her? You breeze in here and dare to be concerned only if I have mauled her. If she needs bathing, I will do it. If she needs finding, feeding, fondling or forgiving. I seem to be the only option." I love Haymitch's voice when he is really in that place that he is so angry that he sounds calm. Nobody knows how truly deadly he can be when he speaks like that. I do.

I hold my breath for Peeta's response. I could feel my heart booming expecting to hear him go into another fury at my betrayal of him.

"What are you telling me Haymitch? Did you? Are you saying that you have, touched her? Is that what your trying so hard not to admit, but justify" Peeta's voice had a poisonous tone.

"I am telling you this. She is still a virgin Peeta. She will stay one so long as she has any hope of you existing in her life. But, she's filled with terror that you will find her ugly and that she will always remain alone. I am telling you that if you choose to walk away for any reason. I won't let that happen to her. I am not worth a Capital tattoo to her if you can love her. But if you call Kaniss your past, and think there is anything in this world more beautiful inside or out? Don't, for a moment, think I will let her fall into the sorrow of your failure. Don't think she will be unloved."

"So you do want her. Are you really that desperate?" Peeta is making fun of him. He doesn't know anything and he's making fun of Haymitch for caring about me. He's trying to make Haymitch think I am dirty too.

"Peeta. I am disappointed to hear you say that. Why is it beyond you to see us? What do I have? Could I love her? Don't be ridiculous, of course."

"What makes you think she would see you that way? Just because nothing else could want her, doesn't mean she could want you. She has always detested you." Peeta is cruel. I never thought that of him. I could have said it about Haymitch and I both, but never Peeta, until now.

I hear Haymitch laugh. "That is private Peeta. Between her and I."

I know my face is brilliant red. I was terrified Haymitch was going to say that I had kissed him, or talked to him or watched him in the shower. I was so glad they couldn't see me and I was also glad that he had said what he did. I wondered what Peeta would say. I could see in his eyes, how he felt. He was here to try to kill me. Not with blood or in a way others could see. But, he was here to kill me. He would use my heart to do it if he could. Now that I knew his weapon, I could beat my enemy.

"Private?" He scoffed. "You normally fall for lethal girls? What if she tries to kill you again? Your as crazy as she is."

"But that isn't where we are now. The last time she hit me over the head with a pan. The last thing I remember was her coming at me with a broken bottle, which I realized was being shoved rather unmercifully into my chest. This was the result."

"That looks nasty. Who saved you?"

"Apparently she did. To my surprise, I awoke. Stitched up and with a little tear-streaked face, begging me to forgive her. Yesterday, I handed her my razor, closed my eyes and ask her to shave me. That is where we are now. I don't just have her trust Peeta. She has mine. I don't trust her not to wander to town and dig through the ashes – and believe me there is no image as spectacular as coming upon her and her findings in the darkness."

"That's why you sleep with her?"

"Thats why. Until I did that, she was down there every night – there was one night I saw her leave in a storm. It took me four hours to find her and she was trapped under a collapsed chimney. From that point on, she slept here. Now if you consider my action to be so heinous that you think I have no right to care for her. Take my place. If you don't want to? Then walk out that door and try me."

"I don't know what I think. I am just so shocked by this entire thing. You never mentioned any of this. I mean maybe she should be in a…"

"Don't you say it. If you, of all people, think she belongs in one of those places then get out. Don't show your face here. I would rather see her dead than that."

"I'd rather see her dead than under you every morning!" Peeta shouts.

I get up and walk down the stairs so that they know they have been heard. I glare at Peeta. I search for cheese bread and sit under the table with it. They follow quietly.

Haymitch peeks under the table at me and smiles at me, eyes full of love. He holds out his hand to me. I take it and stand up. Bumping my head on the edge of the table. I refuse to look at Peeta and hide my face in my friends shoulder. "He hates me Haymitch. The games are still being played. Only one can win. Will he leave soon?"

"I don't know what he's doing, sweetheart. But I am taking you hunting today. I want him to see you at your most beautiful darling. Maybe he will stay then. He's just confused, be patient with him." Haymitch says to me. I nod and use one eye to peer around his shoulder at the boy who doesn't like me now.

"He will scare all the game away. He's very loud." I say surprised he is not looking at me quite so mean this morning.

"Sit and finish your bread. You like his cheese bread. He made that just for you. Let him come with us and maybe he will make more of it for you."

"I will Katniss. I will make you all you want. I am sorry I have been a jerk Katniss. I didn't mean to make you afraid of me." Peeta says and his eyes mean it. He didn't mean to let me see what he is doing. Haymitch doesn't understand. I know it is not love that drives Peeta to me.

I use both eyes to look at him now. "You can go. But don't you say nasty stuff about him any more. I don't belong to you. Your alive and I don't have to listen to you if you say mean things about us. He needs me. They need me and you need to hear things before you talk."

I see tears and know I hurt him. I don't care that I hurt him. I have to many real tears to dry for his to matter. If I kill him, then his tears would matter. I open Haymitch's shirt and kiss the scars I put there. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." I say looking at him.

"Didn't mean to kill me or didn't mean to save me?" He kisses me on the forehead so I know he is trying to make me smile.

"I will think about it and let you know." I say seriously, but his eyes tell me he knows I am teasing him.

"Go get our bows." He scoots me toward our hunting closet.

I hand Haymitch his bow and I can hardly wait to start. Peeta seems surprised that Haymitch has a bow just like mine but larger.

"Did she teach you?" He asks as we walk into town.

"Peeta, Gales Father and Katniss' were my friends. Did you assume I was always nothing but a drunk?" Haymitch winks at Peeta.

In the meadow, I feel life return to me. This is the place where the voices rest. They are silent as the daisies that have swept through the fields with hope. I try to wait for Peeta and Haymitch, but I finally can't stand it and I run toward my woods, heading to my rock.

I hear Peeta call out to me, but Haymitch stays with him and they continue to walk slowly following my trail of broken flowers. I am up the tree, buy the time they arrive. I watch them come closer. Haymitch is telling Peeta about how this place feeds me. It's true. This place has no voices of the dead. Only here, can I feel almost like believing that girl in the ashes was alive. Here, she never spoke about who she could have been. By this tree, she filled me with who she was.


	4. Daisies Guard

Chapter 4

Daisies Guard

I climb down from the tree and grin at Peeta and Haymitch. "What are you in the mood for Peeta? Would you like a squirrel, rabbit or maybe a broiled mockingjay?"

Haymitch tries to keep a straight face but his effort is not enthusiastic enough to be effective. "I think we should stick to a little hair of the dog myself." He offers me his pocket flask.

I raise it defiantly to Peeta and take a long draw. He is disapproving but confused by the way I am awake here. "Thanks Hay. Have a snort then come on. There are turkeys up on the ridge if we move fast. Peeta, you will have to stay here. We have to travel swift and silent."

He nods. I pull out a book of paper and some charcoal for him from my now empty game bag. "Draw something. I have missed seeing your visions."

He looks at me in amazement. I look at Haymitch and turn to begin our journey. He follows me, nearly as quiet as I am, but neither of us could match Gale in his natural stealth. Our breathing becomes labored as we ascend. The turkeys are still there, easy picking for Haymitch and I. He kills two and I kill four just to show off.

We gather our prizes. I sit down on a log and tuck all the birds in my game bag, liking the way it feels normal with such weight. "Haymitch have you done the math yet?"

He takes a seat next to me. "I don't know Katniss. His anger and jealousy say one thing while his words say something else."

"Then I guess you won't be making the plans this time. Least not until I catch you up." I look at him more clearly than I have in days.

"Welcome back sweetheart." He says and touches my cheek.

"He's here to kill me Hay. He's still playing, but he has a whole new weapon." I explain.

"I don't believe it. He will come around Katniss. It has only been a day and a few hours since his arrival. You are a lot to take in. Give it some time." He is calm but his close scrutiny tells me he is wondering if I am still slipping with the voices.

"I am not wrong. I am clear. There must be a victor Haymitch. You can't save us both any more. Pick Haymitch. Who will you mentor this time?" I smile and bring my knee up resting my palms on it and tuck my head there. "I am not crazy, but I will do exactly as you say. Long as you know that if you pick him, I won't fight. Actually, I won't fight at all unless you specifically tell me you pick me."

"Katniss, what are you telling me. Peeta would never hurt you. He saved you, remember?" Haymitch is shaking his head.

"Did he? Haymitch, think about it. If not for you, Plutarch and Dr. Aurelius, what did he save me for? Nightlock quick and painless or prolonged torture and a nasty public execution? He never did tell you where he'd been. Mutts were not just made of venom and torture. It is a lot more and therapy, drugs and pure hearts, don't fix it." I stand and gaze down at him waiting to see if he can make the leaps across the bridge and find me.

His sparkling gray eyes hide the battle in his mind. "The games are over. Snow is dead. Peeta is not here to hurt you."

"Snow may have been hideous, but he liked me. Even you didn't know that did you? He would not have let it end so easily. He would have known I got the message. He wanted me to know he cared in his twisted way. You believe me don't you Hay?" I feel polluted for explaining this sick thing between the late President Snow and I. Me killing him was his ultimate fantasy; especially knowing he would return the gift. In his mind this would have been a romantic tragedy that he would consider the decisive pleasure. I knew why Snow laughed that day. He thought it proved he'd won me. In his twisted mind, I loved him more than Peeta for that act.

"Katniss this is some strange thing your mind has done. It is not real. Peeta would not have been released. I don't think for a second he would hurt you. He would not be so filled with rage at me if he didn't want you. You can't live back there. Snow didn't send you a message. Our hunger games are over now. I don't have to choose things like that any more." His face watches me and I see he won't, rather than can't, understand.

I sigh. "Damned. Kinda thought you'd pick me again. Ok then. We ought to get back. I need a drink now."

I couldn't wait to get back to confusion. My heart finally gave up all will. Claudius Templesmith may as well have announced a feast. I broke inside thinking the man that loved me the most in my whole life might just be the one who smelled of blood and roses.

"Katniss, Please don't speak like this. You have made a mistake. He won't harm you. I don't like the way he's acted, but you are not thinking clearly."

I leaned in and kissed him. I try to smile and nod. "Bye Hay. See you soon."

He clasps my hand and his head shakes no. "Not yet sweetheart. Please stay a little bit longer with me. Enjoy your woods. We aren't even close to home yet." His eyes plead with me to talk to him a little longer. I turn my back and walk a few steps before I realize what I want more than confusion.

"If you kiss me again, I will try." I turn, waiting for him to walk across the distance. I look much more confidant then I am. I smile meanly and almost say I am joking.

His eyes soften and he takes a step then another. His face changes as he pulls me to him. He bends slowly and I realize there is real desire for me in his eyes. His pupils are wide and his lashes half cover his eyes. His arms slide around me and pull me off balance, at his mercy, as he closes his lips on mine. He feels pleasant and I have longed to be wanted so much, it sends sensation through me and I moan in the bliss of this moment.

The sound seems to feed his hunger and I have never been kissed like this from Peeta or Gale. I come up for air as he clamps me to his form, pressing us together in a way that makes me feel like I sizzle. I close my eyes and feel only the sensations of him. My nails dig into his shoulder as I feel his tongue probing my mouth and I beg for more. My breath comes in gulps and I know I must have fear all over my face. I am so awake I think my heart could explode.

"Think that might keep you with me a while longer sweetheart?" He looks at me with a smile that says he knows just exactly how he's affected me.

I try to say something. I suck air in my lungs and it takes all of it for the only word I manage to form. "Yes."

I want to stay up high here. I talk to Haymitch a little, but I discover he mostly wants to talk to me. He tells me how well I am doing.

I spend our time climbing down with the heavy bag silently trying to relive that kiss and feeling upside down. I want Peeta to go away and I want to go back to alone with Haymitch. I feel like things are beginning and I could maybe not have to be crazy forever.

Maybe I could come back from the games after all. Maybe life could exist. Maybe the Mockingjay and even the two Katniss Everdeens could be free. Maybe they could all be reborn from ashes and sorrow like the rebellious daisies that grow proudly covering the past full of death.


	5. The last Reaping

**The last reaping**

Peeta waits for us glaring and sullen. He finishes a sketch he is working on and flips the book I gave him closed. "How was your luck Miss Everdeen? Kill anything of note?"

I blink at the formal greeting. I glance at Haymitch and widen my eyes, hoping it is plain to him."Six turkeys. Thought we could give one to Sae, Keep two and maybe the other three for the collectors. They work hard and might like them. I will get you a squirrel next time." I reply casually. I will try if that's what Haymitch wants.

"You do seem better here. Did you have fun? I brought us all a picnic. If you're hungry." He lays orange cheese and apples on a spread then drags a container of sae's eggs, spiced and savory out of his pack. He's brought bean and curd sandwiches with garlic. I don't like them much, but I eat them to be polite.

Haymitch looks at me with pride as I sit and talk, like a normal person. He and I act like we hate each other, but I can't help but glance at him as I wish Peeta were not here. Peeta is not forthcoming on his activities since he was released although he does admit that he was there to see Finnick's child born.

"Annie had a baby?" I smile delighted.

He pulls out the sketchbook and shows me a picture of a baby with a seashell necklace. I hold the picture as he gives details of the event and how she had named the boy Mason Finn, beings Johanna had agreed to stay with her to protect them from the 'services' collecting him from an incapacitated person.

"Still stealing our children." I say disgusted.

"Well If Gale Hawthorne wins, maybe he can stop it." Peeta says.

"Wins what?" I ask.

"Big war hero, he's running for congress." Peeta blurts out though Haymitch is obviously waving him silent.

They both sit waiting for my reaction. "He would be good at it. I am glad he's happy. If you see him, tell him I …." Try to think of something to say. I couldn't send him my love or tell him I am doing fine. The dead don't get to say much. "Just say I am proud of him and I know it wasn't his fault."

I feel the rush of the confusion beginning. I lock onto Haymitch's eyes and I see the tears as he's realizing that I am about to fade away. I reach out and clasp his hand battling for control. Then the distance falls upon me and I don't say anymore.

"And in a moment she is taken again. You must be careful what you say. I see so little of her." His face is pure anguish as he straightens up and packs our things.

I like it here. I walk back to the place of the skulls and hear the calls of sorrow and pain, but Haymitch won't let me work today. He gives the collectors the turkeys and lets them know they are from me, that I had had a good day and wanted them all remembered. They smile and wave at me and I look at them and nod one time.

I go to my house for a while. Peeta follows me. Haymitch does not come and I am mad at him again. He hates my house. We never stay here.

Peeta looks around my house and his blue eyes remind me of Snow's. "Quite a theme you have going on here Katniss. You may have that old drunk fooled, but I know your just acting like this, to scare everyone and hope some bit of attention might trickle your way." Peeta says knocking one of my nooses down from it's place on the wall.

"I know why you're here." I say meeting his eyes.

"I am here because I love you Katniss, I want to make you my bride." He says in a way that feels like war.

"No thank you Peeta Mutt."

"Dear Miss Everdeen. I said make. Not ask. Make is better." He whispers softly.

I walk away and he grabs me. And his lips are mashing hard to my face and he is holding me by my hair, hurting me and laughing. I glare at him wanting to spit on him. "Haymitch will kill you if you hurt me. He killed the three who broke in here. They had me on the floor and he killed them."

"Good for him. I sent them for you. A calling card to reap your fear. Mr. Abernathy loves the Peeta Frosting and he won't believe you over me. I will pretend it's a mistake, deny it or kill him. Know what else Katniss, I am going to make it hurt. I want you to scream in pain. I will break you until you're my slave, to humiliate any way I want. You will beg me to kill you and as I do, you will confess your love for us." He kisses me on each eye and sniffs me as he shudders slightly. "Coriolanus always knew you loved him. He knew that you couldn't kill him. This is why he let me live, so you could have us both. He made me just for you Katniss,with all his love. All the mutts in the tunnels were part of us. Finnick Odair was delicious. He screamed in the end. Finnick tried so hard not to, but he screamed. His pretty green eyes closed and he begged. I can let you hear it if it gives you joy? Don't you let the old drunk take what's mine sweetheart. I want to be your first and only or I will damage you in ways you can't imagine."

I was going to be sick. I was afraid to faint. I was afraid.

" If you are very good, I might let you live. I might let dear Abernathy have whatever's left of you. A last broken gift for him as well. It took so very much to break my Mr. Abernathy when he was young and beautiful. I loved him too." Peeta smirks.

I kick him as hard as I can and spin to my table and grab a glass bowl and crash it onto his head. I dash from my house screaming. I run to Haymitch and I am so hysterical I can't even tell him what's happened.

Haymitch runs from me to check on Peeta and finds him bleeding and sobbing that I tried to kill him after demanding to know what he wanted. He said that he wanted to marry me and I went crazy.

Haymitch is disgusted with me and I just stare at the floor. I did't have any wounds on me and Peeta had a huge bruise on his shin and a cut head. When they were done talking about me I stood up and bent over Peeta. "You ever come at me again and I will finish you off. Little bump on your head was a warning. Leave Peeta Mutt. I don't love you and I never will. I didn't kill you, but I can. I do see you Coriolanus. I believe you. Leave. Love me, hate me. leave. There is nothing left of me for you to hurt. Leave, or I will kill you and eat you, just like you did Finn."

"Katniss!" Haymitch said appalled.

I look at him and suck my breath in, lurching ragged as if the world is winding down in spurts and shivers. I started drinking right then. Katniss Everdeen is put in bed by a very disgusted friend and a very sly fiend.

When Haymitch came to bed, I try to take my place but he rolls over, away from me. "Haymitch. Pick me. Help me. Please Haymitch. Please. " I whisper with all my heart. He snores.

I lay in the dark next to Haymitch watching the divide sweep him away from me, as if a boat was pulled away from my island, leaving me forever to be marooned. The evil Peeta wind would win. Haymitch could not see the storm.

Tears roll onto my pillow disappearing as I shiver and try to press myself to him. I needed Haymitch's warmth, knowing it was as all that could keep me here, once my work was finished. He did not wake. He had chosen.

I didn't know how long Peeta would play. He might kill me tomorrow. I had to convince Haymitch somehow or I had to finish my work fast. I had to do the thing they required of me. I had to finish before he took me.

He would make it hurt. I could do it with out the pain. I would have to work more to hurry up and finish. Beings Haymitch had picked his tribute. I had to accept it. My games are over. Peeta proved it to me, how just a simple lie, could win the game.

I didn't have to wait for Peeta to kill me. My gift to me would be to cheat him rather than beat him. I could not fight again. I made Haymitch mad. He was ready to be rid of me and I didn't hate him for picking Peeta. I promised not to fight.

I sigh and crawl off the bed. I open the door and step softly into the hall. My work is easier at night. The collectors left their wagon and the flags out at night. I could write the names and they could find them. I looked down at me and decided I needed more cloths. I put on a tee shirt and longer shorts over my pajamas. I didn't want to embarrass Haymitch.

The stars are brilliant, but the night isn't quiet. The night is full of the voices. At night I don't have to hunt, they can be seen. My audience turns to me and I nod. "It has begun. I will be with you soon and so we have to work faster. If you have a message for the living I will take it, but I know you hate me and always will. I deserve it. But I don't know how long it will be before he kills me, so I can't speak to you all this time. I am sorry."

I look up. Some faces smile, while others are filled with hatred. It doesn't matter now. I don't uncover them with the care I normally use. I have to work faster now. It seems endless and I am so sleepy. There are cuts all over me and once again I am filthy. But Peeta comes just before dawn and I hide from him until he goes to tell Haymitch there are flags everywhere, but he can't find me.

My filth makes a good camouflage and I cover myself in the ashes to make it harder for him to see me. When dawn comes it doesn't work as well. The collectors look at my sea of flags and it bothers them that I have made so much work for them in just one night. I don't stop. I can't see them now, but I can still hear them.

Haymitch frowns at me, livid and snarling. "Katniss." He never calls me that name in that way unless I am hurting him. I don't want to hear his hurt so I turn away just like he turned from me last night. He won't come to me unless I am hurt. I am hurt, but I am too dirty for him to notice it. I had cut myself on the burnt broken glass.

"Damned it where are your shoes. Come to me at once Katniss or I swear you will be chained this time." His voice has that deadly calm to it.

I don't look at him, but I comply. He marches me back to the house.

"You promised me Katniss…" He says. I can hardly keep up with him. My feet are full of glass.

In the shower he is rough and he washes my hair quickly and scrubs me hard, hurting me until I close my eyes and can't stand it any longer. I whimper as he scrubs the burnt skin. I don't react as he makes me sit while he picks the shards of glass out of my feet, hands and knees. He realized I have two deep wounds and then he sits and cries for a while. He doesn't make any noise but his shoulders shake as he sits in the bloody swirling water.

I watch him cry but I know he will cry more soon. He will cry when Peeta makes my tears real. He will cry if I do it for him and don't let Peeta carry out Snow's special game. I stand up and hand him his razor. He knocks it out of my hand and shoves me out of the shower. I stand there, head down and sick. I watch as the tears of Haymitch are reflected by that girl who has to leave him so soon. She does not peek at him as he washes her blood off. She has no hope of anything but ugly. She waits for him to realize the bread baking in the kitchen smells like roses.

My cloths are clean and food sits on my plate. Haymitch holds a spoon of something to my face and I look at him and turn my head from his angry eyes. He pulls my face firmly back toward him and I open my mouth to take the bite. I gag but try to chew it. I gag again knowing who fixed it.

The voice sounds like how that boy who loved me once did. His words are gentle, but I know he is just trying to fool Haymitch. "I can't understand how she thinks that Haymitch. If I wanted to kill her, I wouldn't have saved her after she killed Coin. I shouldn't have told her that the first time we were alone. She asked me why I came back. I told her it was because I loved her. I told her I wanted to marry her someday when she was well. I told her I would never push her to say yes, but I just thought if she knew. If she could understand. I don't care that she doesn't look the same anymore. I don't either. But I can't marry her like this. It wouldn't be right."

Haymitch nods. "What was she like just before she attacked you?"

Peeta shrugs. "She seemed like in the meadow until I answered her. Then she seemed not to even be there, just like this. The next thing I knew she was running at me and then you came. I am sorry, I just didn't expect it."

"Well I didn't expect it when she did it to me either. Maybe it would be better if you leave. You seem to be making her go back, instead of helping Peeta. I don't know what to say." He looks at my eyes and wipes my mouth with a napkin. "Swallow Katniss."

I gag, but swallow it. He nods and lets me have a cup with spirits in it. I guzzle the drink shaking. He hands me two Morphling pills and I hold them. I plead with my eyes for him to see me.

"I don't want to leave Haymitch. You need help. I love her too. I just want to help." Peeta's face crumples as he fights the tears he is faking.

"I know you do. But I have not had to feed her like this for months. If you really love her, go away for a while. Let us start over. I will remind her of who you are. I will convince her Peeta. If there is no improvement, I will call you right back. Please. At least let me eliminate your presence as a possibility of her lost ground." Haymitch is so exhausted.

I am careful not to respond. Please let him leave. Peeta sighs. "If you say so Haymitch. I will go for a while. But I will be back. I want her well too."

"It doesn't mean for long. I think it may just be the shock of your arrival. If I can just get her back to where she was, then make your return something to look forward to, like a reward. Then we can see. Peeta she's deadly fast in that mode. I think we were just lucky you got away with a bump. I can't watch her and have to protect you.." Haymitch takes the pills out of my hand and taps my lips with his finger. He puts the pills on my tongue as I open my mouth then hands me more spirits to wash the pills down.

I hold the glass out to him. He sees me trembling. He takes the glass and fills it half way up. I drink it in four swallows. I hold it out for more. "In a while. Not too fast with your pills."

I hold the glass out to him again, insisting.

He takes the glass from me and sets it on the table. "No."

He stands up and hugs Peeta. "Thank you Peeta. I am so sorry I don't have better news. I can't explain why she is gaining ground here with me, but we will get it figured out."

Peeta winks at me. " I will be back as soon as you call Haymitch. Take care of her. I love her so much and would do anything…."

"I know you would." They broke apart. Peeta wore more tears like shiny capital beads.

"There is a train out tomorrow. I think I will go back to Annie's." He says as if the weight of the world were on his shoulder.

He sees Peeta to the door and I can almost breath when he finally returns. He eases himself into his chair, exhausted and hopeless. He takes my hand. He looks in my eyes and whispers more to himself. "There sweetheart, are you happy now? I sent him away for you."

I throw my arms around him and bury my face in his neck. "I love you Haymitch."


	6. Playing Possum

**Playing possum**

**Chapter6**

I am in bed but there is a delicious sensation that rouses me. I hold very still as I feel the lips return to my chest. His touch is so gentle I am astonished. His hands move over me and he whispers. "I wish you could be mine sweetheart." His hand moves from my stomach up to my breast then traces my neck returning downward. He moves his lips on my shoulders and my neck, cupping my small breast like it is as delicate as down fluff.

I hold very still waiting to see what he will do next. There is a hard lump, pressed into my hip. As he reaches across me it presses harder and it is obvious what the source of the uncomfortable bulge at my side is. He drinks and then reaches across me again to set the bottle down. The firmer contact with the part he considered not viewable for me, made my heart beat fast. I have secretly seen him in the shower, but never in this sort of condition.

Haymitch is looking at me and stops his movements. I breathe deeply and wiggle closer to him, making firm accidental contact with the bulge. A sigh escapes him. I wiggle around as if I am not quite happy until I am leaning heavily against his secret. My signals are on overdrive, exploring and touching him without using any fingers or eyes. I move just a tiny bit to better feel it with nerves not normally used to convey this sort of information.

"Katniss" he whispers.

I don't respond.

"Are you awake, Sweetheart?" he says louder.

I breathe deep and slow.

I wait for him to begin again. I hear him suck in his breath and let it out slowly. "I am sorry, my love. I don't know what I think I am doing. Forgive me." He kisses my breast once again and seems to take a moment, then I feel him carefully buttoning my top back and moving himself away. He rolls on his back and sighs. I lay still, waiting. I feel the bed shake as he sobs. I slit my eyes open and see he has his arm slung over his eyes.

I look down at the bulge in his pajamas and can clearly see the outline of his desire. I want to touch it, see it. But I know he won't let me. I pretend to be restless, as if I search for him. I snuggle up to him and drape myself on him, while accidentally putting my hand to rest on my most interesting new discovery.

His sobs stop instantly and his breath sucks in noisily. "Katniss?" He whispers with what sounds like horror. I sigh deeply as if I am having a pleasant dream. "Oh God Katniss." He whispers.

Very gently he lifts my hand and places it elsewhere. I kick my leg and move it right back. He curses. He lifts his head and seems to examine the situation and curses again. I move my hand and a shiver runs through him. He lifts my hand and holds it so it will not return to the position I prefer. There are more soft curses. I throw my leg over him, to the same effect. Now the bulge digs into my inner thigh. I like this game.

He lets go of my hand, moves my leg and I instantly return my hand. At this point I am having a hard time keeping my face completely placid. "Katniss. Katniss you need to let go of me."

I squeeze slightly and grin. I open my eyes and he is so unnerved he scoots over and falls from the bed. I peek over the side at him and grin. "Why do I have to stop touching you? You touched me?"

His face can't decide to be pale or blush. "I am sorry. Katniss, I have disgraced myself. I am without any excuse."

I smile. "What all have you done to me while I sleep Haymitch?"

"Oh Sweetheart, entirely too much." He shakes his head in pain. Pinching the bridge of his nose he leans forward his head and his face crumples into sorrow again.

I unbutton my pajamas again and open them. "Show me. Show me what you did Haymitch."

"That is not going to happen." He says.

"If it already has, what difference does it make? Am I not allowed to enjoy it? I think you enjoyed it."

A realization dawns on him. He leaps up and stares at me intensely. "Katniss? Is it you sweetheart?"

I smile "If you don't show me, I am going away again. I thought I was in heaven, but why stick around if I don't get to like it." I shrug as if I will do whatever he thinks will be best. Then I look down at him meaningfully. "I want to see you." I meet his eyes knowing I have gone to far. I teeter on escape, waiting to see what he will say.

"Katniss? I don't think that is…"

I frown. "You look at me all the time Haymitch. I don't even know what you look like."

He seems frozen. I shrug and roll over. "Bye Hay." I say softly.

"Katniss. Please. no." He moves onto the bed.

I roll over and look at him. "I am eighteen Haymitch. I am old enough to decide. I want someone who will be, nice to me. I want someone to love me. I want it to be you. You said you wish. I wish too."

"Katniss, I promised Peeta…."

I burst out laughing, sitting up to confront him in my horror of what he's just said.. "You promised Snow's Mutt that he could make my first time hurt? He said if I was good, he might let you keep what's left of me. He said Coriolanus loved you too and He would maybe let you have me, as a last broken gift. He's going to kill me Haymitch. That will be all I know of it. It means you promised me, that I have to die that way? He knew you would believe him. He said he made Peeta as a gift so I could have them both. He said, he ate Finnick and would let me listen to his final screams. All the Mutts were part of Snow and Peeta is part of him too. Want me to stick around for that? He wants to make me his bride, not his wife. Make me, is the main thing. Make me scream. Make me beg to die. You promised that for me, but you won't touch me, unless I am not in here? Do you think you will want me when he's finished? Dead or alive, I will be gone when he's finished. Have fun with that. "The confusion fills me and I roll over and stare at the wall.

I feel him turn me. I fight the confusion but the image of beautiful Finnick dieing alone in the dark, screaming, to let me kill Snow, and my failure to do it, pull me away.

"Katniss, Don't leave me. Katniss. Don't let it win. Sweetheart, please stay with me."

I try to fight but the other one says she will stay here for me. She will keep me safe. She will fight the Peeta mutt. I let her rise. The Haymitch voice gets softer and softer.

I feel him lift me and then he is devouring me and pushing her away with his kiss and I fight so the awareness will not go away. I scream inside and surface to breath Haymitch. I pull him to me and push his hand to the places he'd touched before. My breast rises with goosebumps as he wraps his hand around it and his head bends there and the chilled flesh in his hot mouth makes me whimper.

I hold his head there demanding he continue. "Please Haymitch, show me that I am worth more than pain. Is there more than pain? Is there ever something nice? Is everything blood and death and loss and pain for me? Can't I have just a little happy? Can't I pick just one thing for me, before I have to live my fate?"

He pulls back and he looks at me. His breath is deep and he closes his eyes as he blows out his breath. "Yes. Katniss. Yes, I will give you some thing nice. But I need to slow down. I don't want it to go by in a blink. Only if you stay awake. If you slip I will stop. No matter what, it isn't right, if you don't really understand. I love you, sweetheart. But, I won't go any farther than you want. You can stop me at any time." He smiles at me and his eyes are brimming.

I process what he's saying and I lung deeper into his arms. "Thank you."

"Katniss, If you give yourself to me in this way, I will never be able to let you go. You will be stuck with me? Do you understand what I am saying? I won't let you have Peeta while I live. You are giving him up? I know what you said, but you thought I was evil when we first came here. You may not remember, but you wanted to kill me too. You thought I was trying to hurt you then."

I looked at him as seriously as I could. "I was mad at you for letting them get Peeta. But now I know. Haymitch, he never came back from the first games. Only some of him did. He fought it so hard, but think about how many months we lived next door to each other and he never…wanted to be near me. They took him away all that time ago.. They hurt him while we were in that recovery center. I know it. I couldn't explain it on the train. It wasn't Gale that made him stop loving me. My Peeta died. It was my real punishment. The rest was just Snows version of a seduction. I could have saved them all if I had just understood that."

Haymitch nodded. "But he was there too. He did love you. He would have saved you above himself."

"Because Snow wanted him to die and protect me. I would have had to kill Peeta and Finn. All of them. The girl on fire who won the games twice. If you had not made the rebellion, I would have won Haymitch. Think how popular Snow would have been if he had won me? If he seemed to mend the shattered heart of the Mockingjay? If he controlled me, married me, and If I had just let it happen, they would all be alive. All the ones I have to find would have been my reward. He might have even let the Peeta mutt survive just to please me." I keep my eyes on him so he can see I know exactly what I am saying.

His eyes seem to go distant for a little bit. "He let you go into the games, without touching you. He said he had. I never understood it. I feared for you."

"Snow would not have allowed my purity to be tarnished. He ordered it I think. Even the big lie maybe? The other tributes would not want to hurt a pregnant girl as bad. I think I would have awakened, really pregnant. He could make me have his genetic child and everyone would love him for taking in poor selfless Peeta's unborn." I tell him carefully.

"Katniss when did you know all of this?"

"The district 12 dead, are not the only ones I see Hay. I see Prim and Rue too. I see Finnick and, and….my father sometimes. He told me about you, before you were a tribute. Peeta is Snow too Hay. You didn't notice the way he called me Miss Everdeen. He's dead but in Peeta. He's been there since before. The mutts are him too. They made a lot of them out of him. When I didn't kill him, he laughed. He thought I was saving him. He thought it meant I had …liked him. He always said we were alike. Me and him, not you and me." I look at Haymitch and shake my head.

Haymitch rubs the stubble on his chin. He does not really believe me.

"He's using everything you told him about me to prove to you, he should be taking care of me. He even said he would leave. He knew about the ones who you killed." I admit.

"That's impossible." Haymitch's eyes flash fear.

"Not if he sent them. You told him, I tried to kill you, but Haymitch. I never ran from you when I did it. I ran away from him. He had me by the hair and was kissing me and doing other things in a way that wasn't nice. I almost left forever last night. When you wouldn't hold me, nothing mattered. I knew before you let him have me, I had to finish my work. I wandered."

He looks down uncomfortably. "You didn't wander last night Katniss."

I watch him carefully. "How long have I been gone?"

His mouth tightened. He swallowed. "Peeta has been gone over a month Katniss. He was very upset when he saw you this way."

"It's never been that long."

"No. You have not spoken since you said... For sending him away." He looks guilty.

"I didn't want to know if you let him kill me. He will be back to take what he thinks belongs to him.. But I want, just one thing in my whole life to be my choice. I want you." I can't look at him. I am too ashamed that I am so broken; I have to beg someone to be with me.

He sighs. He stands up and takes off his undershirt then his hands slip in the waste band of his shorts and they slip to the floor.

I look at him naked, with him knowing that I look, for the first time. He smiles and laughs. "You look disappointed, sweetheart."

I blush. "It isn't like it was. It's like in the shower"

He looks down. "Fickle things. They don't stick around when they don't get what they want. And the image of you being harmed, true or not, created a little southern fade."

I lift my shirt and remove my shorts. I debate on the underwear. I leave it on for now. "Show me what you have been up to while I sleep. Was that the first time?"

His eyes look away and he shakes his head.

"How far?"

He lays down next to me and meets my eyes. "I have found bliss near you, fearing you would catch me. I have looked at you and dreamed of you, as I did the private thing, men who have no love must do. I have no privacy Katniss, so I have taken chances when I knew you would probably not find it mattered. I have not touched you in any way that would be more than what you awoke to. This night, I went too far. I have looked, and I have dreamed. I have wanted, but I have not hoped."

"Why tonight?"

"Because you were lost to me again, so deeply, I have mourned you like death. I have sung to you, kissed you, and washed your hair. I have done all the things that ever brought you back to me, but you were gone. Yet you were beside me and you breathed. I kept telling myself I would only look, but then, I just once, wanted to know your skin on my lips. Then as you moved to me with what I thought to be such innocent trust, I was shamed beyond reason." He says sadly.

"That's why you cried?"

He nods. "Are you angry?"

I shake my head no. "I am sad, that all those nights. I would have watched, so I would know what to do now."

I lay my hand on his stomach. "If I touch it, will it stir again?"

"Greatly." He says with his classic Haymitch smirk.

My hand roams lower and I question him with my eyes. He nods that it is ok. I use two fingers and very gently stroke him as if he is a pet. He sighs and I have an overwhelming desire to kiss him there and I bend my head to him and inhale his scent as my lips touch skin that feels exactly like petals, soft and delicate on my lips. The reaction only takes two heartbeats and he is stirred again.

He moans quietly, saying my name like a prayer and I am encouraged. I lift him to my lips again. This time I repeat what I awoke to him doing to my breast. I lick him and take his twitching flesh into my mouth, lost in how amazing he feels and tastes. There is more, and I cup the round hair covered division, surprised to feel the way they move. I linger here until he gently pulls me away and kisses me. I continue to touch him and explore him.

"Stop. You are getting me too aroused to think." He says.

I look at him disappointed. I don't know how to say what I want. "I want to see you, when that private thing happens."

He smiles. He closes his eyes for a moment then takes a deep breath. His eyes open full of mischief. "Ladies first my sweetestheart."

He lays me back and his hands follow a string of places that make me shiver. He kisses me and licks me until I can't think of anything that I want more, than to please him and allow him to touch me, however he wishes.

He runs his hands up and down my thighs, not put off by my melted flesh, but kissing it as if it were beautiful, like I once was. I watch him, as he seems to avoid the place I want him to touch the most. When his hand barely bumps me where my underwear have grown damp, I shudder and arch for him to do it again.

His hand slowly slides into my panties and he rests his finger against that place and I groan in near pain because his finger moves so slowly. I am becoming desperate for more pressure and quicker rhythm. He takes my underwear off and slides them down over my hips. I arch my lower half six inches off the bed, to give him ease.

He moves me around and spreads my legs. He smiles at me as he leans down between my legs and his fingers move from the place that screamed for more, to the opening I wanted him to fill so much. His touch is so slight, that it only teases me more. He circles me with his fingers then to my delight he blows on the area. His hot mouth opens and his tongue begins to move in ways that make me feel like my bow must when I knock an arrow to the string. Each stroke sends shivers all over me and I can't seem to stop making ridiculously pathetic whimpers.

I have become lost in the sensations of him and when he inserts a finger into me and strokes me inside as well, my breath stops as something begins to make my stomach spasm. There is a moment, that I would be willing to die for need of something building, then my legs can no longer stay still. I am startled by what looks to me like a death shudder. I don't know what is happening, but I lose control of my muscles as my back arches and my muscles that wrap around his finger begin to pulse.

I release the breath that has hung in my body for too long and my face scrunches up as my toes curl. The bow is drawn, full of unused energy without a target. His rhythm increased as each stroke seems to shoot me with a need to fall. I balance in this strange zone between need and release. I don't know what to expect and I have no idea how to move on.

"It is all right Katniss. Don't be afraid. Let me give you joy. Don't' be embarrassed. Your beautiful and this is all I have ever wanted to give you. Let it happen. I need to see your ecstasy. Share your bliss with me Katniss. Show me I can make you happy. Cry for me Katniss." He inserts two fingers. The stretching feels so pleasurable and painful I sound like someone near fatality and impairment.

And when the private thing I had never felt, finally fell, I screamed his name in fear, trust and thankfulness. All my twitching parts began to fire in coiled rocking pleasure. I never saw Haymitch. My eyes tightly closed, unable to stop the embarrassing things I shout to him, but as he spoke sweetness and adoration, I could hear he was smiling.

I wondered if I could survive the event, but as I came down from my flight of Haymitch, worship of him filled me and I leaned up on my elbows to see his rather smug face. "Haymitch you jerk! You could have done that to me all this time, and you made me suffer?" I am still gulping for air but I feel alive and I almost feel well.

The smile widens, and in new habitat, reaches his gray eyes. "I haven't even started yet sweetheart." He purred in his snottiest Haymitch voice.

He lay on top of me kissing me and thanking me for making him so happy. "But I haven't made you happy yet."

All of his movements stop, he tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. I have never seen his face devoid of sarcasm, sorrow, anger and bitterness. "If we stop this moment Katniss, I could die happy. I have just had the greatest pleasure I have ever known. You showed me, that I can give you delight. I dreamed of you for so long, but feared you would only find disgust in me. You just made me the happiest man in the world." He murmured his love to me and I was unable to comprehend how quickly his words brought me to desperate need of him again.

He rubbed his own engorged need upon my wet mound and I was near screaming again when he shifted himself to my entrance. "There will be some discomfort now. Please don't be afraid. I am in control and if it is too much for you I will stop at once." He kissed me and I wiggled beneath him, wanting him more than I could stand.

"Please Haymitch, hurry. I need you. I can't stand it." I frantically try to guide him into me and he still pauses, taunting my need with languid kisses on my neck and suckles in my ear. He bites my ear hard and I am letting out an involuntary squeal when he slams into me and I feel my girlhood pop into womanhood as I gasp in both pain and delicious joy. I had not expected him to thrust his whole length into me at one time. I expected slow, painful, prolonged torture as he slowly tore me apart bit by bit.. My eyes open wide at the sensation of his warmth filling me.

"I think you have done that before." I gasp. He had distracted me by biting my ear and the pain of his entry had almost been an afterthought.

"Perhaps a time or two. Let me know when you feel ready for me to move. I will try not to have a heart attack as you learn to accommodate me. The pleasure of you could kill a man Katniss." His breath is labored as he reaches down stroking my bowstring and I soon am moving against his hand. He's beginning to ease in and out of me. He's so gentle at first but I am near that flight again and I pull him into me begging him to break me if it will give me the paradise of his gift of bliss.

He is covered in sweat and his movement is beginning to have a shudder. He sobs as if in anguish, "please Katniss, I am lost. Take your pleasure."

Something about the pain of want on his face charges my need and the convulsions begin within me and I feel like I may squeeze the life out of him as I gasp his name. Unable to have hoped this could occur again, I am swept into the heat, at last, truly the girl on fire. I look up and he throws his head back. What began as a low moan, humming from his throat in a deep nasal pitch, becomes the sound of a siren as his mouth opens, eyes rolled in the back of his head and his body shaking as if he would come apart before my eyes. His reaction scares me at first and I flash the horror of him really having a heart attack. I feel his warm seed flow into me and I quake with delight and wonder as he collapses on me as if he's become an invalid. He trembles and grunts as I realize he's still in pleasure.

"Your beautiful Haymitch. You're the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." I say in his ear, nipping his lobe as I smile.

When he, at last, can prop himself onto his elbows, he says nothing but at least ten years have melted from his face. There is a light in his eyes I have never seen and he kisses me on the forehead. "Stay with me Katniss. Nothing before this moment matters, now that we have tomorrow."

I cry and smile. The voices are quiet and all I hear is his breathing as he cries too. The tears of the broken are eclipsed by the joyful tears of those on the road to life.

#####################################################

Author notes- more like dribble….

Ok this is probably the last happy ending - lol – no pun unsung.

I wanted to write a hot – first encounter with out it being the body part name game -no throbbing manhood or C words -but sweet and loveable while somewhat off beat? Hehehe.

Katniss would – in my mind – not know more than whispered basics. I know that I had never seen a man part in desire and was fascinated – shocked – embarrassed and so dang curious. I wanted to convey that he was utterly beyond his ability to be perfectly innocent in his care of her – despite his noble effort. I hope it seemed more like he was a naughty boy who took responsibility for his lonely sad little steps over his self-imposed boundaries, and not like Chester the Molester. (alone, with her out to lunch, he could have done anything he felt like and who would have even questioned him – nobody cared about her and she was just too crazy to be believed - so all the boundaries of wearing swim trunks and 'your little areas' were for her dignity, not due to his lack of adoration. )

So not my first lemony scene - but please let me know what you think -is it hot? To detailed? To long, to short, to body partless, to dull? I know it will be fun to read out loud to some of the slightly prudilicious class - hehehe.

Next assignment after (tragically flawed character development is – villain. Will have to transform Haymitch into the bad guy - using this story to experiment with that a bit -I know I love Peeta too but -for me Hay is the good guy – so had to practice.

I will be glad to get to pick a non-Hay story -4 to go then I am so doing some Crowley from Supernatural and other stuff. She said she would wear us out on our 'base' character, so pick one we liked - I would be screaming if I had picked Strider at this point –there are 4 lord of the ringers in the class now –lol. I am only HG. I am tired of the Harry Potter lady who motivates her Snape with cruelty in every scene too – phhhh – movie does interfere with my concept of Snape – hehe Alan Rickman made Snape a hottie…lol.

Anyway let me know what you think -I really appreciate reviews.

Yes because of this scene and the end -I have to bump the content rating up to M -sorry.

I do appreciate constructive critique – especially from any of you Grammar Gods out there - I live with teens and tend to pick up the third person progressive and passive voice errors -among other poor writing habits - you won't offend me! Red ink is love!


	7. Stercus Accidit

**Chapter 7**

**Stercus accidit**

The tray is placed gently in my lap. I look down at the offering and smile: burnt to char toast, runny half cooked egg, hard bacon, oats the consistency of vomit, and a stemmed glass of rippers white spirit with a separate cup of orange juice.

"Haymitch, you cooked for me?" I delightedly pick up the toast and close my eyes with relish. I could only eat bread if it was fixed like this. I dumped the oats on top of the egg, crumbled the bacon, poured a few drops of spirit on top and mashed it all together with my fork. I plop the goop onto the char bread and stuff my mouth with a huge bite, making appreciative noises.

Haymitch stands in the doorway grinning. Nobody would recognize him now. His face has laugh lines and his eyes sparked in merriment all the time. "Happy anniversary Sweetheart."

"A whole month?" I say in wonder.

"No spells for a whole month. We should celebrate." He says. His arms are crossed against his bared, except for a silly apron, chest. He wore long dark blue boxers that hung to his knees.

My eyes wandered from his face downward and back up to his eyes. "I need my medicine."

His eyes crinkle and he licks his lips, shaking his head at me. "For an innocent little girl, you have become most demanding Katniss. What would you do if I was not in the mood?"

"Take you to a real doctor. You would have to be at deaths door."

He laughs and takes off his apron. "What would you like to do after?" He grabs a bit of bacon from my plate and crunches it noisily.

"We could check on the memorial?" I say. I am happy to look at it every day; it means my job is done. I can still see the dead sometimes, but they don't overwhelm me anymore.

"I was thinking of something a little more exciting Katniss. I was thinking we should make our trip in to the capital. You know they want to see their mockingjay. You could see Annie. She has agreed to meet us there if you will agree." He says bursting with delight at his surprise.

"And the Baby?" I say eyes wide.

He teases me for a second shrugging as if he didn't know for sure. He takes pity on me and nods. "Mason Finn is making his debut. There is to be a ceremony in his father's memory. It would mean a lot to her if you could come. If we could. Johanna will be there, but I think she could use as many friends as possible. It would do her good to see that you have come back to life."

"What if Peeta shows up. I don't know. To many people." I say eyes fearful.

"Katniss, He has not surfaced. I think we need to accept that he has found some life for himself elsewhere. It has been eight months darling. I will never let him near you again. Not after what he did to Annie. We can't seal off from the world. If he wanted to harm you, he would have returned here." He takes a seat next to me as I finish up my breakfast.

He waits as I consider. He absently rubs my feet. I want to see the baby bad enough to try. "I think I can do it."

"Everyone knows. Everyone will not expect more than you can give." He lifts my tray and kisses me. I lean back on the bed, and feel his welcome weight ease on top of me.

"If he sees me on television, awake. He will come back." I say this with fear destroying Haymitch's good mood. "So long as he thinks I am just a shell, we have been safe."

His expression grows grim and now his eyes are fire, not light. "His only path to you is through me. It's a dead end for him, sweetheart."

I nod. "Sorry. I didn't mean to spoil the atmosphere."

He pulls me up. "Shower?"

The train is unnerving to me. It triggers so many memories. I stand at the window, watching the world go by, thinking to the past and wondering if my terror could be more now then it once was. Once, there was a boy who would die to protect me. Now a man stood in his place, who would kill to protect me, from the boy. I dwelled on the reminiscence of the boy on the roof, who said he didn't want to let them change him. I should have let him die in the stream. I should have shot him in the heart when they changed the rules. I should have swallowed the berries.

Haymitch seems to see my disposition and places his hands on my shoulders. "I remember the first time we rode this train. I was so lost, that I could no longer function. I was determined this would be my last year. I was going to watch the two of you die and make such a display they would have to address my infractions. Then your eyes and anger pierced my fog."

"You should have told us Haymitch. You should have told us not to win. The only winners are the ones who die at the cornucopia. From then on, the punishment increased. The last one standing was the one they tortured the longest." I say softly.

"Death was no solace either. They made things out of the dead." Haymitch said.

"I was the winner, wasn't I Haymitch?"

"Yes. His heart failed. But they were losing you as well. The impact of you throwing yourself against the glass, when your head was already…the capital was in chaos. They told me that you were failing and that they had retrieved him. I didn't put it together Katniss. I swear to you, I believed in the miraculous hope that the two of you were going to be a new era of victors. They could not get away with the things they demanded of the rest of us. You were both too loved. I dreamed of you and he having a life together. If I could only make that true, it meant everything I had survived was worth it. I am sorry for being so foolish, but I can't be sorry that you are here. I didn't save you. You have saved me." His words were calm and steady. I saw the sparkle of his tears reflected in the glass.

"The people won't like me now. They will be mad he and I are not living the fairytale. They won't understand. They will turn on you. Nothing they do, can sway me from you Haymitch." I turn in his arms, determined he understand.

"Perhaps if we could make a small announcement. Give them something to make them understand that they must accept. Marry me Katniss." He reaches in his pocket and there is a small box in his hand. It is old and tattered, almost shabby. The color is faded and the velvet is worn to pale fabric in places.

I open the box and find an old ring of modest design. A tiny sapphire is set into the eye of a gold bird. I look at him in wonder. "A mockingjay?"

"It belonged to my mother. I found it and hoped you might see it as a sign. I wasn't just a victor Katniss, I was the child of one. He gave that to her before he was reaped." He smiles. "His death protected her, but it didn't change my fate. Only you could. Please, give me the honor of calling you Mrs. Abernathy?"

I can see his emotions swelling his face with fear and expectation. I look again at the tiny ring. I remove it from the box and silently slip it on my finger. Unable to speak, I let this action be my answer.

He understood and I had not realized he was holding his breath until it burst from him, full of relief and he pulls me to him, sobbing his thanks. I hold him, clinging to him, knowing I was doing something that petrified me more than any action I had ever taken in my life. I was giving in to the pure terror of hope.

By the time we go through the tunnels to reach the capital, I have settled myself with the idea of changing my last name. I watch him as he interacts with other passengers and it is like seeing a glimpse of a new person. He tells jokes and people no longer laugh at him. Haymitch glows with humor, and it infects those around him.

The station is packed with people milling around and it is beginning to make me feel off, until I see the sweet face of Annie. She blinks at us then runs, little curly head bouncing in her arms. Mason Finn is as beautiful as his father. Annie cries as she sees the ring on my finger and congratulates us without asking a single question. Johanna is grinning and she slaps Haymitch on the back in a friendly way.

"You all knew?" I say amazed.

Annie bursts out laughing and nods. Johanna looks up at Haymitch and shrugs. "Thought he never was going to get a set and ask you."

"Haymitch Abernathy, you old dog. It's about time you showed up!" Plutarch Heavensbee is standing behind us looking at me with a sheepish grin.

I smile at him. "How are you, Plutarch."

"Wow, you look great. I was not betting on you the last time I laid eyes on you. Felt like a heel sending you off to hell with this disreputable devil." He gave me a big gushy hug as if we had always been good friends.

"I think you should have felt sorry for him." I say honestly, but everyone thinks I have made a joke.

"Where is Trinket? She was on her way here an hour ago." He asks annoyed.

"No idea, but lets head to our hotel and let her catch up. Katniss is tired and I am starving." Haymitch guides me through the crowd. I am thankful when finally Haymitch and I are settled into our rooms. I stare out the window at the bustling capital, knowing somewhere Gale must be among the important movers and shakers of this city. He had hit the floor running after the rebellion, never looking back to our woods. Never needing the strength they had once given us. He had always been too large and determined to be stuck in a hole, but he had scraped district twelve off his heart as easily as he'd turned from me. I called Tigris and ask her for an appointment. She arrived at my room within an hour.

"I thought you had forgotten me. They all have you know." She said entering my room looking more horrendous than ever.

"I have been sick." I say softly, hugging her.

"Yes. They said you had gone mad and could only speak to the dead. Did you see him? Did you see my Cinna?" She asks this question as if she has no doubt of my answer.

"I do. He comes to me frequently. He suggested I call you. He said you taught him everything he knew. I didn't realize before." I drop my eyes.

She smiled. "My grandson was not willing to ride my coat tails. He was rebellious even as a child. He scoffed at my extremes, but in his own way he followed my own tactics by the very way he refused to follow fashion. His adherence to that unadorned face, the rejection of all normal procedure, produced the same effect as my own. He stood out and he blazed in his masterpieces." She said with pride.

"I owe him everything. He set the world on fire. I owe you too." I can't fight back my tears. I can see from her clothing, she is not fairing well in this new land.

"Your words are payment enough. What may I do for you Mockingjay." She says gruffly.

"I need a new stylist. Will you consider the position?"

"I have no team child. His crew returned, to found their own salons. You would be smarter to seek one of them. I hear they are doing quite well in his shadow." She says this carefully, but I can hear the bitterness that she tries to keep hidden.

"He did not ask me to contact them. He knew, only you could find in me, what he did. I am pleased for the chance to remind them. Hire who you wish. The stylist of the mockingjay would return you to fashion. Especially beings I am to be married soon." I smile.

She purses her lips and her eyes are hard. "You will marry the mentor?"

I nod. I hold out my ring for her inspection. She smiles. "I was this ones stylist you know."

"Haymitch?" I asked confused, remembering the horrid costumes.

"God no. His father. His real father. He won by not winning. He laughed as he died. It was a terrible scandal. There was an alliance. The four of them drew straws. He and two of the girls, hung themselves. The one who got the short straw was the one who they had to call victor. That was when they banned your song. The one about the tree." She speaks softly.

"wow. That is just so…." I am interrupted by a knock on the door.

Haymitch comes out of the bedroom, opens the door without thinking and Effie jumps into his arms, kissing him with such enthusiasm I am a little embarrassed. "Haymitch, you look fantastic, what have you been up to? Have you had some work done?"

I smile as Haymitch tries to gently disentangle himself from her. Effie finally realizes I am here and her face falls, but recovers quickly in typical Effie style. "My goodness. This is a big, big, big surprise!" She flicks her eyes to Tigress, stiffens slightly and steps into the room. "How good to see you. Tigress, it has been too long."

I hold out my arms to her and she and I smile and kiss air, like old fashioned capital dolls did before that world changed. I laugh at the gesture. "You have gone purple?"

"Well, pink is too flashy, this is more mature and subtle." She says with conviction.

"I will let you all catch up. I will be here early in the morning Katniss. It was lovely to see you Effie…..Haymitch." She gracefully bows to Haymitch and skitters out the door.

"What was she doing here." Effie asked in a disapproving tone.

"I have asked her to be my new stylist." I say not missing the look of horror she shoots Haymitch.

"Oh honey…" She scrunches up her face as she tries to think of the right way to discourage my trust of the elderly woman. "She is really not capable any longer. You should speak to Flavious."

"Tigress is a special friend of Katniss, Effie." Haymitch says mildly.

"How can you be mean to Cinna'a grandmother Effie?" I ask innocently.

"What on earth are you talking about. Did that old cat tell you that?" Effie has her hands on her hips as if she is going to yell.

"Cinna told me. He asked me to call her." I say looking her in the eye.

Her face goes perfectly blank. She plasters her fake smile to her lips and eyes wide, turns back to Haymitch. "Of course he did dear. Oh Haymitch, I had heard. I just didn't realize. I thought she was beginning to…."

"I am just fine Effie. I just have some left over things that….He says mulberry would have been better. You should tone the Plum Passion down with nutmeg and ginger clothing. Your still to old capital and he wants you to let Tigress do your real hair for my wedding. No wig, he insists." I repeat the whisper in my ear.

Effie's face looks like she has swallowed a bug. "wedding?" she looks at me with no idea what I could be talking about.

"Effie, I feel the need for a stroll in the park, would you mind accompanying me? Katniss, take a bubble bath and relax, I will be back in a bit, we are meeting Annie for dinner in a couple of hours." Haymitch asks sweetly.

She glances at me, a shadow on her face. "I suppose."

I stand at the window, watching them stroll arm in arm. I feel like I am intruding, but my curiosity is too strong, to look away. I see her anger and I realize, there was more between her and Haymitch then she ever meant for anyone to know. I feel guilty for not understanding that her constant dislike for him, was similar to my own.

They seat themselves on a bench and she cries. He comforts her. I wish I knew what he was saying, but I can tell he is not making her day with his words. She stands up and slaps him and leaves in a huff. I see him lean forward, elbows on knees. He sits there watching the swans glide across the pond. I can tell he is upset too, but don't know what to do about what I have seen.

"They were with each other a long time, Katniss. They are habit, not love. Her hurt feelings will pass quickly." Cinna stands beside me. I smile at him and he reaches out to me with his ghostly hand. "You are about to have a visitor. Be kind to him." He whispers and fades.

The soft knock startles me. I open the door and look into the eyes of a Congressman.


	8. Fate of Bronze

Chapter 8

A fate of bronze

Gale smiles at me and I have nothing to say. I back away from the door and wave for him to come inside. He enters and he tilts his head. "Hi Catnip. Is Haymitch here?" His voice is soft as if he is unsure if I can understand him. His eyes watch me intensely. I look away from him and try to breath.

"Haymitch? No. He's outside breaking up with….I mean he's….You came to see Haymitch?" I have no idea what I am saying.

"I brought him some things he's wanted" he says softly. "I am glad to see you are, well again."

"I was glad to hear you …won. I hoped You might come to twelve." I blurt.

"I did come Catnip. Twice. After, well after Peeta left, and again after he frightened Annie. You were not in very good shape."

He'd been there? I had not known. "I didn't know."

"Haymitch hoped maybe, if you saw me it would….but you didn't seem to….I couldn't help you. I couldn't stand to see you like that. I just couldn't stay…." He said with shame.

"It wasn't your fault. I am sorry I said it." I sit on the edge of the nearest chair, a wave of sadness sweeping my vision into blur. "I am sorry I didn't tell you what I was going to do. I was mad you didn't kill me, but I let you down, so I understand." I know I am probably not making any words string together that can be logically followed.

He looks like my words hurt him. "I knew you wanted me to …we always said we would. I was so mad at you when I was begging you, and then when the roles were reversed, I understood why you couldn't. Haymitch told me how bad it was for you in solitary. We knew there wasn't much of a chance, you'd make it out of all that. I feared what they would do, the second you shot her, but I couldn't take away that tiny hope. I couldn't survive it. By the time you were acquitted, you were gone and I couldn't deal with any of it. I couldn't see you like that. I meant to come when you were ready, but then I saw you and he told me what happened. I never thought you'd come back Catnip."

"I didn't know I could. Haymitch did everything for me. I love him Gale." There are tears making my voice sound hoarse.

He looks at me and smiles. He nods and with a sigh he says "I know. It's ok. I just want you to be ok, and happy."

"Me too. I want that for you."

The door opens. Haymitch steps in and stops. "Am I interrupting?"

I wipe my eyes. "You didn't tell me."

Haymitch sighed. "No. I didn't."

Gales holds up his hand. "My fault. I asked him not to."

Now I am confused. "Why?"

"Because I wasn't coming back. Because I was too weak to face you." His eyes are direct and hard.

I see him. I know he is my friend, but he is not in love with me enough to put up with me broken. I reach out and pat his hand. "It's fine. Why are you here now?"

He opens his briefcase. "I brought Haymitch the medical files on Peeta. They basically confirm everything you said Katniss. He isn't all human and he sure isn't all Peeta. I had a lot of trouble tracking this mess down. But. I felt it was worth you seeing it."

I look at Haymitch, whose face has taken on a grim expression. "Thank you for coming. I just had to be sure, in case."

"It was all a lie. He wasn't tortured. Not really. The last broadcast, when we saw the blood on the tiles. When he warned us about the bombing." Gale said hesitating to continue.

"Tell me." I say full of anger.

Haymitch nodded. "It's ok Gale. She deserves to know the truth."

Gales voice is artificially calm, serene, soothing in tone, as his slow words do the damage. "Ok. Katniss. He died. As the broadcast ended, when he said 'dead by morning', he was. They blew his brains out. That was the end, right before our eyes. We suspected it that moment. We didn't want to believe. He was gone before we ever tried to save him. I am so sorry." He withdrew pictures and laid them out on the table.

"You don't have to look sweetheart." Haymitch says moving to my side.

But I have already looked. I pick the largest photograph up and study it. One of his beautiful blue eyes had protruded out as the bullet tore through his skull. My Peeta lay on the floor like a bit of discarded game. He looked peaceful. My Peeta is at peace. I look at the small bits of brain that were scattered around his body. The crimson lake marred by footprints, the precious blood of my heart, pooled in a gory halo around him.

My Peeta never tried to kill me. I cover my mouth as tears of relief burst.

"Katniss, maybe you should…" Haymitch puts his arms around me.

"No. Don't you see? I am happy to know. It's better to know. Haymitch our Peeta died a hero. He died saving all those lives. Our Peeta never tried to hurt me. That Mutt who pretended, to be him, was not our Peeta. Our Peeta has been at peace for a long time. This is our Peeta. Don't you see? He's been dead all this time and I never saw him, he died and went to peace. He didn't hang on to us. He didn't die in hate. He died loving us and that was why he doesn't walk with the dead." I break down in pain, loss and most of all, thankful elation to know that he is not that evil creature who stalks me.

"They tried to make him a partial mutt. They tried to, but they couldn't. He malfunctioned on them. He malfunctioned every time. He warned us, and they had to kill him to make his Mutt. What we rescued was full mutt. And, it is programmed to kill you Katniss" Gale confirms.

"Oh Gale, thank you for this. You don't know what it means to me." I can't even comprehend all the joy I feel that he didn't ever know any of the things that we saw in the end. He never saw me burned. I was beautiful, when he died. Peeta didn't ever give up. They never broke him. He loved me to his last breath. That knowledge brought me such tranquility, it overshadowed that he was gone. I could feel his light again and I was whole.

Gale left quietly. I hugged him, thanked him again, and then watched him walk away with a smile. He had just become my best friend again.

Haymitch held me for over an hour. I was not shattered, but I was filled with terrible guilt for not knowing it. He'd been dead so long. "So, why did Effie slap you." I said into his shoulder just for something to say.

"Oh, sweetheart. Lot of strange history there. I tried to explain. She didn't appreciate something I said to her. I called her something that I should have kept to myself."

I looked at him, confused. "What did you call her?"

"a customer."

I looked at him raising my head from his chest in baffled amusement. "I think you lost me. Explain."

He smirked. "This is meant to make you laugh, so I will tell you. Each year, mentors and former victors return to the capital. During the games and again during the tour. We didn't just get to enjoy our selves and help our little tributes. There were other obligations for many of us. They bid on us. Poor Finnick would be in tears by the third day. The drugs they pumped into him to keep him going past exhaustion, well I had some experience with them. Me? My dance cards were finally winding down a bit. Publicly, Effie never wanted a thing to do with me. But, each bidding season." He looked at the ceiling and shook his head. " She wasn't so terribly concerned with my feelings or yours. She expected the arrangement to continue. I said I no longer accepted 'customers'. She slapped me."

"I am sorry, Haymitch. That's kind of not funny." I say, before it hits me. She had pretended such disgust for him then paid to be with him in secret. Of all the names he could call Effie Trinket, it was customer that got him slapped. "She won't be our friend any more, will she?"

"Doubtful. I could continue the arrangement if this friendship is of huge importance to you." He says as if he is the most reasonable of gentlemen, but the tension in his jaw and shoulders tell me otherwise.

I look at him as if I would consider that a good idea. "How much are you worth Hay?"

His amused face falls, "Katniss."

I burst out laughing. "I need to know how many pounds of flesh I will need to take out of anyone who tries."

"You stopped my heart. I thought I was going to be sick." He admits.

I put my head back down. My mind can't help but go on overdrive. My Haymitch had been like Finnick. Why wasn't he damaged like Finn had been? How could he handle it all so much better?

"Tell me, was there anyone you enjoyed being with? I mean, did you like Effie, for example?" I asked curious.

His eyes darken. "I will let you work that one out in your head Sweetheart." I can feel his anger. He disengages from me and sits away.

"I am sorry. I didn't mean it like that Hay. I mean you're a man. It wasn't all horrible was it? I just thought…"

He leans into me as if he's going to kiss me. "You think it would be better for me to be sold to anyone for anything than it would be for you? You think twenty-five years of humiliation is easier? Pain is less? I could survive it without hating myself? Just because I am a man? You think it makes it easier for me to be a whore? Maybe if I had treated you like that you could understand. You caught me in a weak moment of pure worship Katniss. Imagine how you would feel about me if it had been a moment of abuse you couldn't stop. How would you feel, waking to discover I had taken from you what was taken from me? Who out there cared what I did to you? Take a moment and think about where you would be now, if there had been no rebellion. Imagine knowing you could never escape." He was so angry he was shaking.

I threw my arms around him in comfort, but he pulled me off and twisted around. He rose and crossed the room so quickly I was still processing what he'd said. The bathroom door slammed and locked. I went to the door and stood, hearing him in pain. I knocked. "Haymitch? I am sorry. Forgive me. I love you. Please." When he didn't answer me I sat quietly and watched the door. I heard the sounds of things breaking. I swallowed and waited for the door to open.

The urge to slip raged in me and I fought it. I would not disappoint him again. I had said something stupid, but he was not throwing me out or screaming that he hated me. I needed to be there for him. The battle raged inside me, but I held on. The temptation grew. By the time the door unlocked, I was locked in battle within so fierce, I could not rise.

"Katniss. I am sorry. I shouldn't expect you to ….Sweetheart no." He knelt beside me fear screaming on his face. My eyes clicked back and forth, seeking the path away from this battle. I searched for my way back to him, but the fog was deep and I felt trapped.

"Peeta?" I whispered.

"I am here. Follow me." I clasp his hand and he drags me through the thick terrible blanket.

"Peeta. I know. You shouldn't be here. You're at peace. You can't come back." I say.

"I am taking you home. You should be with him right now. Not here. This place is only here for you in case." He says directly.

"In case what?" I ask watching him seem to know exactly where we need to go.

He turns. His blue eyes are brilliant. A small smile plays on his lips. "In case I come. It isn't me. This time you have to finish me off. That thing isn't me. Finish it off sweetheart."

He points and I run to the room full of my Haymitch. With a sigh I am looking down at him. He is bent to the side of the bed as if in prayer. I lean forward and touch his shoulder. He rolls back and with a choked sob, he is holding me as I whisper my apologies over and over in his ear.

The week in the capital gets better. We attend the opening of the Finnick Odair memorial statue. He is in a beautiful park by a lake; his trident is raised against a nightmare version of a capital mutt that does no justice to the true horror of the ones I remember. A Protective hand reaches out to shield a statue of me. My bow is drawn and aimed at something unseen to the side, as the great and mighty Finn gives his life to defend me. It is titled, "Champion of the mockingjay."

That isn't what it was like. I ran and left him like a coward. I watched as they made a game of him, while I was safe above. I blew him up, hoping it was enough to stop them hurting him. Then I never looked back. I left him without even being certain I graced him with death. I left my champion, my friend, to any fate, any horror and I ran away for nothing.

I can't help but touch the bronze face in wonder and that is the big photo of the week. My live face gazing at the bronze in wonder, tears streaming down my perfect Tigress frosted cheeks. Another picture, Annie and I, embracing in sorrow for the fallen hero, is paraded on every channel. I understood, but they had taken a private thing and sold it. I felt humiliated that any mention of me was offered. I didn't deserve his life. I had failed and left his child fatherless, for naught.

I understood a tiny bit of how Haymitch must have felt. I knew what he had lived must be a million times worse, but I still hated them all. I had been a whore too. I had whored the lies they wanted me to tell. Finnick's memorial, being another lie, made me feel like I had somehow, become the last person to use him.

There was tension growing between Haymitch and I. I was not jealous, but anger swelled in me. I couldn't look at a woman who flirted at him in a familiar way that I didn't want to kill them. His face would smile and he would be charming, but now I understood why he refused to ever be charming any other time. I understood why he had done everything in his power to ruin their fun. Drunk and stinking and hopelessly unpleasant was the way he had rebelled.

Finnick embraced it all as if he were having fun, even though he must have been dying inside. Haymitch had dared them to finish him, becoming more openly hostile and uncooperative each year. Pride swelled in me at the thought of he and Finn and Johanna. They had each fought. Enobaria'a teeth. Johanna's lack of hygiene. I was nothing compared to them. I simply turned to fog. They were the steel that mattered. I didn't deserve any of them. Even Annie had more strength than I did. What would I have become if I had been exposed to their horror.

Why had I escaped? Snow intended it? Had he protected me? The thought of the reward he must have imagined for that protection, was enough to slide me toward suicide. I thought of Peeta, out there somewhere, waiting to complete Snow's last directive. I wanted to go home, but Haymitch kept telling me he had business. His business seemed to involve a great deal if drinking and leaving me to sit alone or with Annie and Johanna. I didn't like the distance that was seeping between us.

Haymitch stood in our room drinking and staring out the window. He has been remote for the last few days. I have worried, but he will not speak of his troubles or the thing we had argued about. He had been silent for some time. I poured him a fresh drink and handed it to him, though it was strange that he was drinking it so fast. "I want to call the wedding off Katniss."

I couldn't move or breathe. "What did I do?"

He has been drinking heavily all afternoon, for the first time in a long time, he is that cynical belligerent mentor I knew him as before I thought him worthy of kindness, much less love. I know he's bothered but he has refused my efforts to find out what it is about.

"You? Nothing. I adore you. But I won't have you married to a whore. That's all I am Katniss. A drunken whore, who will always have someone bragging to you, about what they paid for me to do. Someone will make you hate me. The blackmail has already begun. Someone will get to you and it will shame you. You will find no escape so long as you are tied to a piece of offal like me. I won't put you through that. I should have thought before I asked." His voice sounds final.

"I would never be ashamed. Damned them all. I hate every woman who ever…"I cover my mouth and shake my head, hurting for him.

"Makes for about half of the number I hate. Wasn't all women Katniss." He whispers distantly.

"I don't care. I love you. Lets just leave. We can go home and we will never come back here. This isn't us Hay. This place is infected with dirt and evil. Just hold me and…"I try to keep the desperation out of my voice.

"I will never escape Katniss. The best I can do for you is to set you free, watch over you the best I can. It's all I have to offer." He swigs down his drink and sets it on the table.

"Really. So that's it? We are what, just friends now. Lovers only when nobody is around? Or worse, you will never touch me again? How long do you think I will survive?" I don't challenge him. I just want to know what he thinks my yes was about.

"You are you are young, Katniss. It may hurt you for a little while, but you will find love again. Real love, something deep and true and whole. You are the mockingjay. They will line up to offer their hands to you. I am in your way. One day you will find the one who will remove me from your thoughts." He sounds so convincing.

"How will I know Haymitch. You fooled me. I thought I had it here. I thought you loved me." I say as if I am resolved to what he says.

"I do love you. That's why I know what is the best." He reaches out to touch my face then pauses, snatching his hand back.

I sigh. "I see. You're giving me no choice and you don't care about my opinion."

"No. Because I know where it ends. You would see it if you knew everything I do." He is so stubborn.

"Funny, you don't seem to concerned with where this path leads. Just so you know, I have seen them looking at you. The women who bought you and speak to you out there among the still wealthy. I want to kill every last one of them and I would if I thought it would make one minute better for you. Blackmail? You let that start now and you will never find the end. What can they tell me Hay. What would it take for me to not love you? Are you so stupid, that you think any of that matters?"

"It does matter." He roars. "It Matters!"

"You said it didn't so long as we had tomorrow." I say letting the hurt fill my eyes, begging him to see.

"I was wrong. It matters. You don't understand." He shakes his head.

"I do understand Haymitch. It's you that is missing the most important part. Here. I don't belong to this any more." I hand him back the ring. He doesn't take it. He just looks at it. I set it on the table. "I don't belong to anything now. Isn't that what you are saying? You don't want me?"

"I am sorry sweetheart." He says kindly.

"I will do anything to stop this Haymitch. Anything." I plead. I get down on my knees shaking my head. "Please."

"Katniss, stop it."

I bow down. "I would never have come Haymitch. You thought it would destroy me. I never thought it would destroy you. Please don't do this."

"I am sorry Katniss. You have no idea the things I have done. There are certain obligations I wrongly thought were past. The mortgages are still due." His face is blank then suddenly his snotty Haymitch mask returns. "Cheer up sweetheart, anything I have to do to keep you safe is worth it. I will be back later."

"Who is she. Is it Effie doing this to you?"

"Of couse not. Effie is small potatoes. I am in a larger bind than that. I have to protect Annie too my dear."

"I will follow. I will follow you and kill them. They can't do this to you any more."

I just look at him refusing to give this up. "They can't make you do anything any longer. Please talk to me Haymitch. I thought you trusted me."

"I can't get out of this Katniss. I agreed to things, to protect people I loved. The debt must be honored. I will not subject you to the being that results. You will understand when I get back. Don't wait up." He crosses the room quickly as if he is just off to a meeting.

"I won't be here." I whisper.

He sighs, takes my hand making me stand and wraps his arms around me. "You have to be. I will need you. If you are not here, Katniss…I will assume you are with Congressman Hawthorne. He would not be opposed to it. I can't marry you, but I will love you as long as you allow it. When you leave me, I will know you have stopped. It's for the best. Get some sleep and we will do something fun tomorrow. I am sorry, and I do love you."

It takes him several more tries to get away from me. He finally calls Johanna for assistance, which just makes me furious with her. I can't tell her what is going on. I want to, thinking she could help me hunt them down, but I am fooling myself thinking I am still the girl who was a warrior. I don't even have a bow with me and I was the coward who left Finnick Odair to scream in the tunnels. They never even found a big enough piece of him to send home to Annie. I blew up the tunnel, where had the pieces gone.

I found love among the ashes and horror. I felt like I was back in the tunnels, only this time, it was Haymitch who would be ripped to pieces while I stood by watching. Would they make a statue to him and lie to make me look like I had done anything to stop it from happening?


	9. Where I love you

**Chapter 9**

**Where I love you**

I didn't fight fog this time. Johanna and Annie wanted me to stay with them, but I pretended to feel better and left for my own dark room. I sat down with a huge bottle of the capital's watermelon vodka and I waited for the door to open or the phone to ring. I could not imagine what nightmare could pull Haymitch Abernathy back into capital depravity.

I worried that he'd grown ill with it and what all this really meant was that my little tame adoration for him wasn't enough. Johanna had said things to me, thinking she was helping. I worried that he could no longer be satisfied by my lack of knowledge. I was a novelty that had worn thin. I worried that his trip here made my burned, pathetic ugly body, be seen for the disappointment it must be. He had spent more years than I had been alive being wined and dined into things I didn't even understand. I couldn't even comprehend some of the things Finnick had once alluded to.

These people with their body dye and own view of perfection, made me feel like I could never really compete. This was what he knew. Not the flesh of a plain girl, burnt to hideous and mentally damaged beyond repair. I could not really hope to keep him. I was an idiot for not realizing that he had only wanted to help me out of pity.

I had nodded off or passed out when he returned. I smelled the shower and rose to go to the bathroom to check on him. The door is locked. I knock.

"Go back to bed sweetheart. I may be a bit." I can hear the stress in his voice.

"Haymitch. Let me in. Please Hay. Are you ok?" I say softly already gauging how I was going to get through this stupid door.

"Go away Katniss. I need some time. Just go away." He responds.

"I am not going away. I am coming in there." Already backing up, I run at the door and kick it as hard as I can. I kick it again right by the lock, feeling it begin to give. The third time, despite his frantic protests, the door swings open with such force it bangs the wall and shivers on a return arch. I hold my arm out to catch it. Barely a step in the door, the smell of blood and bowel assault my nose over the spicy scent of the shower.

The toilet is filled with blood and there is a trail all the way into the shower. I don't want to know where it issues from. I put my hand on the shower door and brace myself to see what is behind it. "If you ever loved me sweetheart, please turn around. I don't want you to see me." His voice is low and resigned.

"You never left me Haymitch. You saw me. If you ever cared for me in any way, please let me help?" I can't stand the quaver in my voice, but I swallow and open the door.

He huddles in the corner of the shower; face blank until he meets my eyes. He looks at me as if I have betrayed him and he drops his head to his arms. I take a deep breath as I take in the sight.

He bleeds and now I understand why he doesn't want me to know. Someone or something has ripped him apart and he is unable to stand for me to see him as weak and helpless as I have been. I arrange my face; carefully hiding my horror behind the same gentle mask I have seen him wear with me. I take a washcloth and very softly begin to bathe him, ignoring the blood and the ligature marks around his wrists, ignoring the burns I can see glaring in hideous red against his skin. When he does not protest I simply sit down in the blood and gore and hold him, whispering love and kissing him as he sobs.

The warm water washes away much of the evidence of his torture. Eventually he lets me stand him up and I help him into a robe then fix him a drink, give him three of my pain pills and follow him down to bed. I sing to him until he sleeps as I remain awake, waiting for the darkness to fade and trying to decide what I am going to do to whoever had done this evil thing to my last love.

He awakes with a jerk then groans in pain. He paws at my face. "Katniss. Katniss are you awake sweetheart."

I kiss his face and look at him. "I'm still here you brainless old fool. This will not occur ever again. Do you understand me sweetheart? Never again."

He winces as he lies back down, adjusting his pillows to take his weight off of me. "Katniss, this is my life. It isn't all like this. I am fine."

"Really. Fine huh? So you would be ok with me coming home leaving a trail of blood and gore all over the bathroom. Just because you don't want to…be in love with me any more. Doesn't mean I will put up with this. I am nuts right? Free pass to kill things." I say in irritation.

"Not exactly a free pass. Guess what my obligation entailed. Your trial was a nightmare. The gift that keeps on giving." He said grimly.

"Haymitch. I don't care. You are not the only one with friends. I will find out who and I will kill them. They can do anything they want to me, I will just evaporate and not know, I will kill anyone who hurts you."

"Great then you would be again arrested, tried for trumped up war crimes and unable to plea insanity this time. This is nothing. I am a big boy Sweetheart."

"So tell me, is sweetheart that word you use for all the ones you feel obligated to? Finnick used to say sugar and honey. Enobaria says sweetmeat. I need to know things about this without you being mad. Is there any hope that we can be…can I be enough or is it all …have they ruined you? Johanna says she is ruined. She can't be pleased by normal things any more. If there was something I could learn that would please you….I would. I would let them enhance me if you want it….Does sweetheart mean that I don't matter Hay?" I don't know what I am saying, but I am desperate for information. We had our world and then we came here and it had stopped being fun almost at once.

Fun was home, waking up to burnt toast and gruesome oatmeal and his eyes filled with light and hope. Fun was taking a shower and him washing my hair until my scalp screamed enough. This trip was fun like the hunger games and toothaches.

"Of course you matter. More than anything."

"Then,We go home." I whisper.

"I can't."

"I will make you take me. I will scream and act insane. I will embarrass you until we go home." I say trying to tease him and make him smile.

"I would know and you won't fool me." He looks at me like I am slipping.

"but – just like Always, I can fool them. Lets just go. Make your excuses. Tell them the excitement was too much and due to my terrible near breakdown, you have to leave for my health." I whisper. I drool and cross an eye. I stick out my tongue and start singing the hanging tree out of tune and off beat.

Finally he laughs. "You never look like that sweetheart. Except when I make love to you!"

Without thinking I slap him on the shoulder. The sharp intake of his breath sends shivers of sympathy pain down my spine. Apologies erupt from me. He leans back laughing. My face grows serious. I carefully pull the robe to open it. He stops my hands and shakes his head. I use his angry deadpan voice. "You will open this robe this instant or I will chain you next time. I swear on my word Abernathy."

Anger sparks in his eyes, then a resolved grin. Tenderly my hands push open the white cloth and view the things they did to him. His throat is circled with blue bruised string marks, some raw, some just bleeding. They had garroted him. Tears rose as I realized they could have gone too far and killed him. His wrists and ankles are similar condition and when I see the same treatment has been done to his private area, I have to be cautious that my reaction does not hurt him. He studies me as my eyes take in the story of what they find charming and romantic in this place still so infested with underground hate.

"They whipped you. Why did they burn you?"

"For the screams." He admits with such calm dignity. I can only nod.

"And these holes?"

He takes in his breath and rubs them as if they don't matter. "Suspension hooks, piercing. Simple pain, power and control Katniss. None of it matters." He kisses my hand.

"Haymitch, are you always the one who hurts? Do you hurt them sometimes?" I shudder asking him this question.

I see in his eyes he considers telling me a lie. The gray eyes drop and a bitter smile comes to his face. "Yes, I hurt them too Katniss, but you have to believe me that I would never do these things to you." His face is unswerving and anxious.

"I believe you. Are you broken with this?" I say warily.

His eyes narrow. "What are you asking Katniss?"

I try to figure out how to phrase this. "Johanna was sold for ten years. She says she needs some of those things now. Normal things don't make her happy all the time. She says she is broken. You have done this for longer. Could you live forever without any of these things occurring again?"

His eyes shift to the window. "I don't know. Why do you want to know."

I wait for him to look at me. " These are the sorts of things he would have done to me, aren't they. These are the things he made the Peeta Mutt for. This is what you protect me from, isn't it?"

He is silent. Finally he nods.

"You are taking my place somehow aren't you? That's why you didn't say no? He isn't just in Peeta. He's not dead." I whisper.

"You have always been able to do this. The only time you missed it was over the Quell. Katniss, I will do what I must to protect you. I am sorry. This is why I can't marry you. Never mind the horror. It isn't just you. It is Annie, and Johanna. Your friends. It is little Finn too. In the big picture, this is almost normal for me. So be it. It will lead me to them. I can't fail. I don't even think Gale could protect you. Don't worry, I will find them and I will stop this. ."

I look at him. "You don't have to go through this to find them. First rule of hunting a predator, offer it easy prey and let it come to you. You dig into the den of Mutts Haymitch, they will turn you or kill you. Don't be the easy prey."

He gives me a scathing snarl. "Are you suggesting I use you for bait? I will meet you in hell with that idea little girl."

I shiver at what I know I am about to do. "Not suggesting. Either you play my game, or I will play, this time with no mentor."

"I will have you committed before I agree to that Katniss." He wears his deadly victor smile. His gray eyes have hardened. "I will do this my way and you will not interfere."

Poor Haymitch. I look at him fiercely, and then pretend to let my face become afraid. I breathe deeply and clasp his hand in panic. "Oh no…" I say softly. He can't leave me alone if I am slipping.

It dawns on him what is happening. "No sweetheart. Stay with me." I see the sorrow fill his face and I almost can't pretend something so cruel, but I know he will fight me tooth and claw. I let my face fill with blankness. He springs to action, kissing me and begging me to fight. I let a real tear fall for him then I stop responding. I hum the hanging tree song as I rock in my own world. He takes me in his arms and I know his tears are real, and it matters that he cries. But, Haymitch doesn't know I know.

I look up and Finnick is leaning over me glaring. "Not a very nice way to play him Katniss."

Startled I sit up and reach out to him. "Finnick I am sorry…" I know my ghosts are real, but the timing couldn't have been better. Haymitch sighed, resolved that I was lost in a spell again.

Haymitch stands and stiffly fixes himself a drink. He glances at me and pours a second glass. With a sigh he hands it to me as I chatter to Finnick.

"You Know Sugar, you can be one psycho bird. You are killing him inside and you know it. Another sacrifice in your battle? You think you can finish it, if I help you this time? Snow, I mean, think you have already bagged poor ole Abernathy." Finnick is mad at me. He circles Haymitch as he talks.

"Are you going to help me Finnick?" I say smiling at him.

He twirls his trident like a baton. "Sure. I will help you Katniss. I have to. You know what the Peeta mutt did to my Annie don't you? He made her listen. Your bomb didn't finish me. Nice try but til you kill Snow – we have business Dollbaby. Haymitch dies; they will come for her too. Lanus will kill you and Haymitch if I don't help you. Then he or one of his creatures will go to four to get Annie and Johanna. They are not fooled by Haymitch. They have figured out that that he's snooping."

"They know? That means he's in danger Finn?" I look at Haymitch who is watching me bored and annoyed.

Most of the day is spent with me talking to Finn. Haymitch answers the door, admitting no visitor. He sops up the gore in the bathroom. I wonder what the cleaning people will think of the pile of bloody towels. By afternoon, he is walking better and probably only I would notice the stiffness in his steps. He drinks and sighs and curses.

Haymitch is at the phone. "I have to. Goddammit she's slipped away again. I shouldn't have brought her here. How do you think she took it? Yes, that would be helpful if she were not in the middle of thinking she is talking to the woman's dead husband. Do I sound like I am joking? Katniss, what is Odair wearing?"

"I can't believe how many cloths your wearing Finn. Cinna should have been your stylist all along. You should have dressed like this when you were alive. You look handsome. It was hard to notice when there was so dang much of you that had to be avoided."

Cinna beams at Finnick. He seems to slide out from a curtian and sits elegantly on the pale green velvet couch. "I told you that too much could be...too much Finn. In you case not enough was too much."

"Cinna, he lookes elegant. Like a God from the sea with no kitchy net stuff." I say knowing Cinna's quiet fashion hand enough to see he's made a splash with understated drama rather than in your face screaming color.

"Evidently he isn't in the net get up. Katniss just complemented him on his afterlife attire and I believe it is designed by someone we know . I don't know, holy raiment of some sort I would imagine. Shut up. Yeah, well Mine will have to be fireproof wouldn't it. No, is it really of value to you to be concerned with this? I don't know what he is wearing and I can't imagine why you think this is so amusing. As soon as I can figure something out. No, this isn't." Haymitch slams down the phone.

Finnick grinned watching Haymitch. He stood behind Haymitch pretending to hump him and I giggled. He whipped his trident around like he was on stage. "You're next sugar!" He said to me all flirty.

"I am offended. I thought I was your favorite?" Cinna says with fake hurt.

"Please, I wasn't your type alive. Good to know Dead didn't improve you propriety any Finn. Cinna, you guys need to quit playing and help me figure out what to do about this mess. "

He grinned his most winning Finnick smile. "Yeah, no wonder you never hit on me. Just like Haymitch, always to busy with getting yourself into trouble. To bad I won't get to pucker up with age, turn exquisitely hateful and feed my stubborn streak a little Capital Growth Hormone. Then you'd like me." He glances at Haymitch then me meaningfully.

"Stop. You don't have to do that. Not with me."

"Who else? You're the only one who can see me Katniss. Except for him. Why are you here with me, Cinna? What holds you."

"Several of us wait for her Finn. The other's are near, but they are not used to being seen. They wait." Cinna says quietly.

"Have you seen little Finny?" I smiled. "If I ever wanted babies, you make pretty ones." I touched his shoulder, feeling the hair rise on my arm where he is.

"I never got to hold him Katniss. Not once. I don't know what he smells like. I won't be there to teach him to fish. Who will teach him to weave a proper net? Mags would have taught him to sail. I can't find her. I want to know the way my boy smells, just one time." Finnick looks so sad.

"He smells a little like you and Haymitch mixed together. He smells of the sea Finnick, with a little vomit."

He shakes his head. "I'd kiss you If I still had lips."

"I'll be there soon enough. Hold one for me." I say quietly.

Cinna looks away from me. He seems embarassed, that he has spoken so freely.

"Then you know why I am here?" He is again the Finnick who is true. The Finnick I watched in the tunnel. The hero, sighs sadly, the clown has blinked away.

"I do know. I am breaking once and for all aren't I? That is what you are both saying? So, I really have no hope of helping?"

"Girl on fire, but you are burning out. What you want to do with that is the only question." Cinna looks at me with pity. "You probably won't be without him for long you know." He touches Haymitch's cheek and then to my shock he kisses him as if he is the older of the two and Haymitch needs his booboos fixed.

Haymitch seems a little goosed and takes a step back with a shiver. "Katniss, you are giving me the heebie-jeebies. Have a drink." Then under his breath "Then shut the hell up."

I do what he asks. I guzzle down his offered liquor with greed, then realize my mistake. I look up at Haymitch in horror. He smiles with that knowing smile. That Haymitch won smile. "Sleep well. Sweetheart."

"No please. Stay with me Hay. I am afraid. Cinna, Finn, Help me." I feel the syrup working, wondering if I have time to throw it up, knowing how fast it works.

"That's alright, you have Finnick with you. Maybe Cinna too by the sound – you can confer with them and invite all the fashionable dead to a Monstrous party. Beings you can talk to them. I will be back in the morning. Do not wander, I am locking this door." He kisses me and smoothes my hair as I strain against the darkness and try it hold onto him.


	10. Are you are you

**Are you, are you….**

**Chapter 10**

There were no birds in the capital.

Birds sing and I smell the unmistakable scent of Greasy Sae's cooking. I am in Haymitch's house. Though it is a cleaner version then I have ever seen, I know his room. I sit up and find blood. The sheets are covered in it and it is on me too. It isn't mine.

I silently sneak out of the bed, following the trail of blood to the top of the stairs. The voices are not muffled. Sae is angry with him.

"You can't keep this up, boy. One of em or t'other is going to murder you. Is that what you want?" She says in a huff. I wonder when we left the capital. I must have slipped for real when he gave me the sleep syrup.

"I don't know. It doesn't really matter." Haymitch sounds tired, sick even.

"Well, I can tell you now, t'ain't nobody else goin to take em. You need to face facts and find some place to put em."

Haymitch coughs miserably. "No. I won't do it. My girl would rather be dead and the boy, would be fine if she didn't get it in her head that Peeta wants to kill her. I am all they have."

"Hmph. More like the other way Haymitch. You could be doing so much more. But here you sit, turning into a human filet. Which one of them this time." She demands with livid amusement. "It was her, wasn't it? I am going to walk in here one day and find you carved up real pretty, and ready for the cookin pot. Serve you right, if I put you in the stew." Sae complains in her brusque, no nonsense, rudely direct way I have always loved her for.

Haymitch laughs. "Wouldn't be the first time district twelve was treated to some long pork Sae."

I heard the sound of metal hitting porcelain, like a sound I heard often at my mothers. She laughs," True, but they was all sa hungry at the time they didn't care. They may be a bit particular when it comes to you. Put em off my cookin, that's for sure. Well that's about the best I can do for your stubborn old butt. Not as pretty as her Momma could do, but it's all you got and better then when I got here."

"Thank you. Again." He says softly

.

"You ought to have a snort Haymitch. At least for the pain."

"No. I bleed faster that way." He says in his amused distracted way.

"Well, eat at least. You look like hell warmed over."

"Yes ma'am. I imagine hell is a very lonely place. I think I have been there a time or two. I will wait for the kids. They will be up soon." I hear him groan.

"Just stay there. I know my way out. They are just going to have to go dirty for a couple weeks. You can't get that wet. And you cain't pay me enough to get that close to Miss slash and dash." Sae says as she stomps across the floor downstairs, then I hear the kitchen door close.

I creep down stairs after hearing no movement for a while. Haymitch sits in a kitchen plush chair. His arms rest on the puffed armrests. His head is leaned back against the wall. His eyes are closed. I don't remember this furniture and note it seems a little lavish for the kitchen.

There is a large white bandage taped to his bare chest and another by his neck. I must have done this. I watch his chest rise and fall. He has gone to sleep while I watched. I figure he must be drunk. If I am such a danger, why don't I hurt him now? How could I hurt my beautiful Haymitch? I don't remember hurting him. He told me once I did it during my spells. What happened to him at the capital must have hit me hard. I feared they must have darn near killed him for me not to even remember the trip home.

What could they have done to him that would freak me out, if what I saw in the bathroom had not? Was Snow dead? Was Peeta? What was I like, that Greasy Sae was afraid of me? A tough old bird from the Hob feared me. Who was the boy?

I don't say anything I just stand there watching him and trying to figure out what has happened. "How long have I been gone Hay?" I whisper. He seems older then I remember.

His eyes open and lock on me. "Katniss? Are you awake sweetheart?" There is no fear in his eyes, only a strangely miserable hope.

I nod. I walk to him with deliberate caution and fold myself into his lap carefully. "I hurt you?" I say kissing his chest and breathing in his smell. How can I hurt someone I love so much?

He holds me. His arms are softer and no longer bulky with the strength of his youth, but I feel safe with them around me and I still feel power in him. "It's alright sweetheart, I know you don't mean to." He kisses my temple and tries to hide the choke of a sob with a gruff cough.

"I have been gone, for how long? When did we leave the capital?" I ask.

"Oh Sweetheart, your trial ended three years ago. But you have had many fine times since then. The last few months have been hard." He says kindly.

"Months? The last thing I knew we were at the capital and someone bad, hurt you."

"Well, that is all done sweetheart. I got every last one of them and they will never hurt you again." He pets my hair with near frantic obsession and rocks me a little side to side. "You are all safe now."

I tuck my head under his chin and breath him in. He smells strange but in a good way. "I hurt you?" I murmur again in deep regret.

"It's nothing baby. Don't you worry, I am a big boy."

I kiss him and his reaction is a defeated patience as he pulls me away. "Make love to me Hay. I love you." I am already losing myself in his eyes; kissing every part of him I can reach.

He sighs deeply. "Katniss no. We have had this discussion multiple times. I am not, nor have I ever been, your husband, lover, rapist or future… those things. I love you sweetheart but there are things that happen in your head that are not real."

I can't even comprehend what he is saying. I have made love to this man for months. I know every inch of him. I am desperate to feel him sigh against me as he let me give him pleasure and wipe this old, strained face away. "I want you." I say softly. I smile the way I know melts him and reach for him wanting to stir him.

He stands up and rudely sets me down in the chair next to him. His Grey eyes are not mean but he seems so broken. He is blushing. "Katniss you must stop at once."

"Haymitch you can't be serious. Have I done something? Is it because I hurt you? I am here now. Please I am…Don't you want me?" my breath is heavy with my craving for him.

His face is neutral. He holds up his hands. "That has nothing to do with anything Katniss. We are not lovers and we never have been. Your mind plays tricks on you and nobody really knows enough to put it all together and help you."

I don't know what to say. I flash to how he sighs when I kiss him and lick him. I think of how he gets goosebumps when I touch him. I smile as if he's playing some horrible new Haymitch game with poor stupid little victor. "Are you saying the most happy moments of my life. What we shared. Those never happened." I fill my eyes with light knowing he is trying to confuse me, and wanting to prove to him I am all here, so he will take me seriously and let us get on to the blissful activities.

He takes my hands and says softly. "I am." His eyes are so earnest and plead so valiantly, the first stab of anger quickens my heart.

It feels like a thrust of something sharp in my rib cage. "You didn't ask me to marry you and change your mind?" I say it like a challenge.

"No sweetheart. Three weeks ago you thought you were married to Finnick Odair. You see people who are not there."

My heart drops again. "Where is Peeta….he's going to kill us. He's Rose, made again." I say tears beginning to well in my eyes. "Did you kill him? You killed the mutt right?"

His voice is calm. "Sweetheart, Peeta is here. He has been here for over two years with us. He's no Mutt. He didn't kill me or you or anyone else. He is just a broken young man who paints. He bakes you cheese buns almost every day. Sometimes he has a violent spell but he loves you and I love you and we are family."

"I am not a virgin. I remember my first time. With you." I say pleading. Heartbroken to have the one really perfect thing that ever happened to me be tainted. I had seen his face filled with the joy of me; surely he could not lie to me about even that private sweet thing between us.

His eyes fill with tears. He looks at my mouth, as his bends and shudders with pain. He says his words with tender caution. Not quite able too look me in the eye. "Katniss, when you were. During your trial, the guards. They tortured you. They took you. All of them, for months. The more you fought, the more brutal they became. They drugged you to gain your …compliance. By the time I got to you, there was, you were broken. I am sorry. I would have saved you that agony in any way, with my life sweetheart. But we didn't know. You have never fully recovered. But they said your chance of surviving was not worth getting any hopes up for. They had starved you and you were hours away from…failure. You weighed sixty-seven pounds and they had abused you that very morning. You were too weak to move and they had….left you to die in their filth. "

I shake my head at him as if he's mistaken. "When I would slip. You would kiss me and it would bring me back to you. I was in the training center and nobody ever came there. I was alone. I was alone that entire time. You could wake me with a kiss. You could bring me out of the fog. "

"The stories. Peeta sits with you. He tells you stories. That one, of waking to a kiss is The Poison Apple story. He tells you all sorts of silly things like that. We know you can hear some things no matter how deeply you are lost. And I have kissed you, sweetheart. Things start off nicely then I usually get something like this for my trouble." He said indicating his wounds.

"I sleep with you." I say. I blink the tears helplessly, can't stop and they tumble from my eyes, betrayed by his words and his sorrowful pity.

"Yes, but it is not in that way. Sweetheart. Once long ago, I hoped. You seemed to be coming back a little. But love is love sweetheart, and just because that can't be, doesn't mean I don't love you. Nothing matters but tomorrow. Are you hungry?" He says getting up and dishing two bowls of soup into crocks and scooting one to me.

"I don't want to be here. I want to go home." I want my Haymitch, who thinks my ugly skin is kissable. I don't even care if the PeetaMutt gets me so long as I can stop seeing the guilty embarrassment I see in Haymitch's avoiding eyes here.

I take a yawning breath. "Finnick is dead." I say.

He blows his nose and wipes his eyes. He takes a deep breath and blows it out. He busies himself bringing salt and pepper and slicing cheese thinly and tucking it into our bowls where it melts from the heat of the soup.

"Yes. He is." He takes his seat again and only now do his gray eyes venture all the way up to my own. He has no reaction to the information, as if he has discussed it to cool detachment, but his voice is patient. "Do I need to feed you today? Or can we pretend that Katniss is getting better and wanting to do things for herself?"

I pick up my spoon, not caring if I ever eat again. What is the point? I dip the spoon in it and let all the liquid and vegetables plop back into the bowl. "Long Pork?" I ask with distaste.

"Mmmm no Probably Dog and possum, but it could have a bit of beef in it too."

"I went to a memorial to him. To Finn. He stood with his trident in a park and there was a statue of me, behind it. My bow was drawn. We were there. Annie, Johanna and baby Finn? He must be talking now!" I say smiling with excitement. Oh, I wanted a picture of little Finn.

"There is a memorial. You must have seen the ceremony on television. We did not go to the opening, but I walked you there one day. You did not do well, so we have never returned to that park. We have made multiple visits to the capital for your doctor visits. Annie and the baby passed away, before the memorial was open. She sailed her boat out into the big hurricane they had over there. She thought she was taking the baby out to where her husband lived now. The poem she left was heart wrenching. It has become another symbol. I can't stand them for it. What she did was a private thing. It should never have been like that." He says as he eats.

"Johanna?" I say thinking how she had stolen my morphlin.

"She married a lumberjack. They disappeared up in the north woods, I guess about a year ago. We don't know if it's accident or intent. Guess we will just have to wait and see. And your next question is Gale. Yes he's a congressman. Yes he comes to see you twice a year and no you have never acknowledged him, other than for one brief moment in the capital. If you hang around a day or two, maybe we can call him. Your mother is well, sends her love, as always" He says with obvious disapproval.

"You don't like my mother do you?" I say smiling.

"No I do not. She takes care of everyone but … no I don't like her." He said with finality. "I didn't like her in school, but I like her even less now."

I grinned. "She was not going to be invited to the wedding. We had an argument about it. You didn't like her then either."

"Well, I am glad to see the imaginary Haymitch has some taste at least." He gets up and brings me a cheese roll. "The imaginary Finnick dresses nicely. I could like your world maybe."

I didn't mean to make him look at me like that, but that Haymitch of my memory was not to be erased in a few tiny sentences. "When the …my Haymitch, made love to me, he bit my ear the first time. I remember your face as you…" There were no words to match the hurt in my eyes. When he didn't look at me with fondness and love at that most secretly treasured memory, I broke down crying thinking nothing in my life was real. "It was so wonderful and now it's not real. I don't remember the real and it must have been….horrible. I want to go home. I want My You."

"Oh Katniss. I am so sorry." He holds me while I sob and when I can again look at him he pats my face fighting his own tears. "If that memory is the one you want, you keep it ok? I would have bitten your ear sweetheart. And I would have done anything to make it something you could look back fondly towards. So if that's what you want, you keep it." He smiled.

"It could be true?" I look at him with hope.

"In a someplace else it could. Not in this place." He kisses my head.

I sit quietly for a while pretending to eat, even though it tastes wonderful. I eat a single pea or bean at a time. Haymitch has seconds and then thirds. He has not poured a half of a cup of white liquor into his soup here. He's not drinking at all. There is no stale odor of it in the house and no scent of it wafting from him.

"Why do I try to hurt you? I want a drink." I say giving each equal importance.

"We don't drink any more." I hear the voice from behind.

I turn in terror. "Peeta?"

"So looks like you had a bad night. Are we friends today or am I the bad guy?" He says softly, leaning against the doorframe and his eyes sparking, blue like water.

"I don't know. Let me feel your head." I say scowling.

He smiles and bends down. "No Mutt, just lots of stupid."

I feel his head carefully for tell tale signs of the repairs to his skull. There are no tiny demarcation flaws but his ear on the left side under his long blond hair is almost missing. I feel swirled skin all down his neck. "You're burned. Like me?" I say surprised. "How?"

"Carrying you and Prim out. Away. She …she…." He starts shaking. And closes his eyes. "came apart." His eyes flutter opening and closing rapidly. They roll back in his head for a second. He seems to be making fun of the way she must have looked when she died. I am so angry, if that's what he's doing. He seems to stop and then he looks at me again but like he's confused.

"You took my pill away, you let it happen. My Nightlock" I said remembering how I had killed a woman who was like President Snow. "I killed that woman didn't I? The one who killed my sister? Right? But you let them have me. You should have killed me for them, not served me to them."

"Katniss stop it right now." Haymitch growls. "You don't know what you are saying."

Peeta shakes more and his face is covered in sweat as he pants like he is in pain. He turns and goes to a room down the hall and closes the door. I turn to Haymitch confused. "He got burned like me? He's ugly here. He's perfect there. He isn't the same one who hurts me is he?" I sit back down, trying to understand what I know and what I am doing awake in this sad place.

"Dammed Katniss, you could have at least let him eat first." Haymitch said with no real anger. He dishes up a crock of soup and puts a spoon in it. I stand in his way and he pats my face. "Stay here sweetheart, I have missed you." He smiles.

"Can I take it for you?" I say realizing Haymitch has scars all over him.

He studies me for a moment, hesitating. "If you want. Please do not damage him. Please don't continue the conversation you just began. Sae refuses to sew us up more than once a day." He lets me have the crock. Crossing his arms he watches me walk to the door. I knock, but there is no answer. I turn the handle and step inside, assaulted with the smell of linseed oil and soap and tints. The room is from floor to ceiling a mess of canvas. There are so many colors surrounding me that for a moment I am dumbfounded.

"Peeta. I brought you something to eat. I am sorry I upset you." I say keeping my eyes anywhere but his face.

"Is it you?" He asks softly.

I look at him and nod. "I know you're not a Mutt. I know I am not married to…Hay." Though I can't say it with out tears.

"Some of it must be leaking. You look sad." He says.

"I remember sweet things, so real, and then they aren't, and I have nothing. All my memories are horrible. I don't understand how I could be so happy then wake up from it to find we are…"I don't know what to call us.

"It's ok Katniss. I have something like that too." He takes a bite of the soup.

"I hurt him. Do I hurt you too?" I ask thinking I know the answer.

"I don't know. I have some scars, but you don't do it. There are others in you. They do it."

I look around. He's working on two canvases. One is of me hunting, while the other is of a young Haymitch, grinning and eyes sparkling. "Wow, he's beautiful Peeta. You really have gotten just amazing."

He says nothing but smiles in pleasure. I gaze around. Eyes picking out one specific picture, my breath is taken. There is a picture of Haymitch and I pressed together, high on a ridge, the sun shining on us in a cascade. He has me bent backwards and I hold a wild turkey. Haymitch looks strong and a longbow is slung across his shoulder. I know this moment. I touch the canvas. "Did this happen Peeta?"

He shrugs. " I don't always know if I am, where I am. Like sometimes you tell me things and I see them, but I don't know if they are happening or I am just painting them." He says shyly.

I look astounded. He has painted me into fairytales, mythology and everyday scenes. He shows me holding a baby, with Finnick Odair beaming next to me. In the next, I comb Annie's hair, both of us have breasts exposed and fish tails. He has made us mermaids. "I like this one too. Haymitch says she's gone." I wonder how he knows what I look like naked.

"I don't think of her like that. I think of her and Finnick like this, part of the sea that they love. Gone to myth, not dead. Together some how. All of them with the sea." He says scraping the bottom of the soup crock.

"He was upset that he couldn't smell or touch little Finn. He was lost, unable for them to see him." I add to his dream.

There are pictures of our games, haunting and beautiful rather than just horror. Finnick and I wake him with our faces covered in green scabs. Me grinning down from the tree the careers had me trapped in. Him handing me the pearl. Finnick holding Mags. Haymitch holding me in his arms as if I am a little child. Peeta and I, baking in his parent's old bakery. His father kneeling by him, pointing to a girl with a braid. There are paintings of cakes and plates of cookies. Dozens of pictures of geese fill in small holes. Baskets of beautiful bread. The Hob on a sunny day. Sae tending to Haymitch. Gale and I sneaking under the fence. Peeta and I at a wedding. He and I sitting in a meadow, with children dancing in the distance and Haymitch laughing.

"Who are these children?" I ask softly.

"They are Primrue and Finna." He clears his throat. "Our children."

I look at him wide eyed. "I don't understand. That isn't real."

"Somewhere it is. Somewhere we came home and fell in love. We had a boy and a girl. It is real for me Katniss. It makes me happy. I know we don't have that, but in my heart we do. They have the sea and we have the meadow and Johanna has the big woods and tall trees. We all have our happily ever after." He hands me back the empty crock.

I am turning to go when I see the dark paintings. They are deep blues and blacks. There is a tree with terrible fruit. Three bodies hang from the tree, faces pale and peaceful. In the middle, the fruit is my face. Peeta and Haymitch on either side. The faces are serene; the hands are still clasp together in the dark. Together the victors sleep, beyond the nightmares. I can't take my eyes off of them. They are so clear it is like looking at photographs, all taken from different angles. "Peeta? The tree. From my song."

"Sorry. You are not supposed to see those." He says trying to draw me away.

"Is that what you want? Is that the happy ending?" I ask my voice choking at how beautiful they are.

"I see it coming, but I don't want that to happen." He admits. His arm slips carefully around my shoulder and I don't flinch.

I nod and look at him. "They are strange, but lovely somehow." Near the floor on an exceptionally large canvas, I stand out like some dark evil warrior. My lips are curled into a cruel smile and my eyes are toughly insane. So fierce is my face it is hard to tear my gaze away from my own image. My arms are folded in satisfaction and a huge bloody knife still bears the gore of my fresh kill. I realize my kill is a human head. I gasp as I realize Peeta has painted me proudly dismembering Haymitch.

I step through the door physically sick and head back to the kitchen. I have to escape from this image. I try to remember one I liked. Peeta closes the door behind me, but says nothing.

I set the empty crock on the cabinet. I turn and wrap my arms around Haymitch trying to block out the last painting. I tremble and Haymitch wraps me in his arms. I am safe. I finally shift my mind to the painting of us kissing on the ridge. "Did you kiss me up on the ridge when we went hunting together?"

"It was a long time ago Katniss. A lifetime ago." He rubs my back in a friendly comforting way. He bends to my ear and speaks low and soft, into my hair, the way he did when we told each other secrets. "Sweetheart, I killed them all. I hunted down every single one of them and murdered them. Every single one of them, that hurt you in that jail. They are all… all gone. I don't know if it helps, or if you will remember tomorrow, but I want you to know. Gale helped me. But, it is all over."

"I wish…." But I don't finish the thought.

"Me too sweetheart. Me too." He whispers softly, just in my ear like my Haymitch would. For a moment I am in his arms and it is quiet and safe.

####################################3

_**Whoops – did I have you going?**_

_**You didn't really think, true insanity can be loved enough to just blink away did you? (You have been listening to Peeta's fairytales if you believe that.)**_

_**Love doesn't fix hate and the crime and terror that emotion can foster upon those who do survive the event. It will not go away, just because someone still loves the broken thing left behind. – True love endures the bad things that happen to the ones they love, with stoic patience, but it doesn't fix it.**_

_**Next chapter as soon as I can get it together properly. Bwahhhh hhhaaaa hhaaa. Now you know why I write horror, monsters, paranormal and not fan fiction….grin.**_

_**Please check out my other stories – If you need one that is sweet to get the {Hay that's a head} image out of your mind – I recommend "Where the waves meet the sky" Finnick – Mags and why she was half his family**_.


	11. The mocking

**The real mocking**

**Chapter 11**

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><p>"The pictures." I whisper.<p>

"Just don't let them get to you." He says softer. He releases me and looks at me and smiles. "Want to go sit in the sun?"

I nod. We take drinks onto the deck. It needs scrubbing because the geese, who seem to have made themselves at home, are not particular about the glob business they are determined to decorate every surface with. I feel him watching me though he is trying not to let me know it.

"Where is our liquor?" I look at the bright sun and the heat of it feels like it could bake me.

" We have determined that we do not carve each other up as bad when we are sober."

I look at him. "So I hurt you, when I drink, is what you are saying."

He looks at me, his face carefully blank. "I am saying that we do not recall our actions when we are blacked out. You will find scars on yourself I have no explanation for. They were going to remove you from my care. We had a ugly scene, of some sort. They accused me of raping you and tried to, well it was …I agreed to anything they wanted to keep you here. You spent a week in their hospital screaming. Two more weeks calling for me. They took some of your memories to help calm you down. They promised that they were only going to remove the trauma, but it didn't work. I have not seen you a moment since that time."

"Haymitch. You didn't rape me. They didn't get that one. I remember." I say eyes wide with hope.

He can't quite hold his face still. "I am so sorry sweetheart, I was told you would never remember. Something in you knows, because once a month or so you get very angry with me. When you said that to me just now, I couldn't take it from you. Not all the way. I can lie to the others, but not you." His eyes are so full of hurt and love that I slowly get up and fold my knees up and move back on his lap.

He wraps his arms around me and whispers into my hair. "Be careful, they do monitor me. If they think I have broken the agreement, they will take you from me. All the comfort you need my love, but not in that way."

"I will just lay here and talk to you. Thank you for not breaking my heart. I didn't want to live if it wasn't true. I love you and you are the only one I remember ever being with."

His lips press against my temple. "And you are the only one that ever mattered to me sweetheart. I loved when I was young, but you are my truest dearest moment in my whole horrid life."

"I don't understand how I was still a virgin, if what you said happened during my trial." I say confused. "I really think I was a virgin, I remember it hurt a little that first time." I say softly.

He blushes. "I had you, repaired. I did it for you and Peeta, for later. Not for me. They had done such severe damage; repair was required for you to …function. After the real harm was repaired, the other small procedure ,for years, had been done; it was a popular course of action among young ladies at the capital, who wished to relive the first time. I wanted you to have it returned to you, because what they did was not your choice."

I sigh with my head on his shoulder. "Can you tell me what else is real? Did I wander? Did I speak to the dead? Did You ask me and give me a mockingjay ring? Did you and Effie fight over me? Gale, did he bring you papers once at the capital?"

"You won't remember sweetheart. I don't want to waste our few moments rehashing. Let me hold you. Let me be at peace with you and know that there is still my girl in there. I had lost all hope." He closes his eyes and nuzzles my neck.

"What happened that finally broke me?" I ask raising my head to him.

He chewed the inside of his lip then his eyes dropped from me. "I almost died on you. You warned me what your little ghosts had told you. I was too confident. It was our forth trip to the capital, when we went to the park. They killed me before your eyes and if we had not been meeting Heavensbee, I would have bled out. You went insane. There were four of them and you ripped two of them apart with the knife you removed from me. You cut them apart and set the head of one of them on top of Finnicks bronze trident. Then you simply had to be shot with a tranquilizer dart. By the time I was recovered enough to get to you, they had filed paperwork to institutionalize you. There were sympathetic people who fought for you. But the footage of you was hard to refute. Thank Gale again."

"What about my mother. Did she help?"

"Katniss she is the one who had me arrested for abusing you. She hates me and thinks I had brainwashed you long before you killed President Coin. I almost lost Peeta too and yes they accused him of being in on the abusive treatment they felt you had sustained under my care. It has been one nightmare after another." He smirks. "I told you long ago that I would only be physical with you. You have not been here, awake, even one time, not really. It has not been any kind of issue other than dissuading you from your delusions."

"If I stay?" I ask softly.

"Then perhaps we could have you declared sane and could reevaluate our position, but I will hold not hope for that. I want every moment with you until you slip again and then I will long for you as I do, and watch your face each day with hope that you will return to me, even for a moment." He studies my face with a soft smile. He tucks my hair behind my ear and draws me to him, kissing my lips with gentle adoration. My Haymitch is here.

"Snow? Was him being alive real?"

"Yes, we are still searching. Peeta had a more severe version of your own procedures done, but they were much more successful on him. He may be to blame for what happened to Annie. We will never know. But he functions well for the most part. He has seizures and he can't be the man he was, but he is not mutt either. I don't know how to explain, because the answer is complex. Do you remember the pictures of what they did to him?" he sips his tea and puts the icy glass on my forehead, cooling my face.

"I remember his eye and a halo of blood. He was dead." I close my eyes trying to remember the details.

"He was an amazing person Katniss. Even death did not stop him from loving you. It was that deep and that true. There were patches of him left, like wildflower seeds in a mind that had been plowed under. They have grown back. There is a lot of Peeta there, not all of him. But each season, he returns, more gentle, more like who he was. Don't be afraid of him." He says and shakes his head, "And don't be unkind to him."

"Haymitch what is going to happen to us?" I feel like there is something he's not telling me that is going to be really bad.

"We will live each day until goodbye." He whispers closing his eyes and taking a deep breath enjoying the sun.

The sun marches to the roofline of the house then slithers behind. The weather was warm in the full sun but I shiver in the shade, unable to regulate my body temperature since I have been burned. I don't ask to go inside though; I don't want to break the contact with him.

"Katniss, If something were to happen to me, what would you want. I mean would you prefer to go to your mother? I can't think of one of those institutions, but I don't know what else to do to provide somewhere to stay for you. They can't just leave you and Peeta alone. I need to know your instructions." He says growing tense as he speaks.

"What is going to happen to you?" I know I am scowling at him but I raise my head to look at him.

He grins. "I have missed that face, sweetheart." He chuckles and pulls me back to his chest.

I finger his bandages and realize what he means. "You are afraid what Sae said is going to happen. That me, in the painting, will run through the woods with your head as a prize or something. She really did serve us people didn't she?"

His stomach rolls in silent mirth. "A time or two she did. Her peacekeeper porridge was quite in demand at one time, long before you were born. Back in the bad old days when I was a new victor, we sometimes needed to dispose of a body quickly. She never could stand to waste an ounce of meat."

"Delightful. But if I murder you, they can just string me up. Those are my instructions."

"As always, your plans suck my sweet little bucket of sunshine." He shakes his head. "Good to know I can always count on that." He is being playful and despite the subject I smile at him.

"So now that we don't drink and we can't …what do we do? Can we hunt?" I ask.

"Yes, stay with me until tomorrow and I will take you hunting,"

"Sounds like a bribe."

"It absolutely is. Do you think it will work?" He leans up and I have to get off his lap. We head back into the kitchen.

Peeta is there, stirring his proof into dough. "Do you want cheese buns or something different?" He asks but doesn't turn around. "We have plenty of stew, I was thinking maybe an herb loaf."

"Surprise me." I say quietly.

"Would you like to speak to Gale?" Haymitch asks. "I can call him. It would do him well to hear from you."

I look at him for a moment, and then nod. Haymitch picks up the phone and dials a set of numbers from memory, gives his name several times and I hear a female voice say "Congressmen Hawthorne's office how may we help you."

"Jensen you lovely creature, It's Abernathy, I need to speak to him at once please." His voice is both measured and commanding. The female voice replies with fondness and clicks are heard.

"If this is horrible news Haymitch, I would rather you just spit it out, I am in session." I hear the voice say in a distracted tired tone.

"Not bad news for once. Have a moment to speak to a mutual friend?"

"Haymitch? Are you kidding?"

He hands the phone to me. I feel like I should run but I shakily say "Gale? Are you there?"

"Catnip? Is it you?" I hear his own voice crack and it sounds like he can't breath.

"It's me. Sorry I have been gone. I am going hunting tomorrow. I wish you were here to go." I say trying to be cheerful but probably not making it work very well.

"Me too. Stick around maybe I will surprise you. Thank you for calling me. You don't know what…how bad I needed to hear your voice."

"yeah I do. Thank you for helping Haymitch, you know, keep me"

"Just sorry it all happened. She wasn't trying to hurt you. You know about Herb Mellark don't you?"

"Peetas father died. His whole family did Gale."

"No some headed north. They had been surviving up there, built a whole life up there on the islands. They built a colony, joined up with others and he was up there with one of Peetas brothers. The youngest I think. His wife and the other two boys died on the trip, but I have a whole list of people who we know who didn't ever even know we won. They were still hiding out up there thinking the Capitol was still in power."

Peeta's brother and Dad. "Peeta's dad is alive?" I say and Peeta turns to me eyes wide. "here tell him. I love you Gale!" I say exuberant at this news. I hand the phone to Peeta, too excited to even wait for a response.

"Hello?" Peeta says. He falls into a chair with a heavy grunt.

"Haymitch, it's like a miracle." I whisper my fingers held to my lips in awe.

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><p><strong>sorry about long update - couldn't do it due to the tornados - they are kinda eating us alive - my updates may be spotty til our towers are restored - we are on temp towers for relay to servers -they get clogged.<strong>

**Ok now you know she is crazy - yes eventually you will know what has hppened and what is just her delusion. Recap - yes she was mistreated in prison - yes she and haymitch were involved when he believed she was getting better - Yes while under her mothers care they gave her and Peeta chemical lombadumy (cant spell it) but it just messed her up more - for Peeta who was geneticly altered and reborn - it calmed him. Haymitch has his hands full - he is hiding troubles of his own - as he always did. Gale has never quite abandoned her - he has always stepped in to help when he can - yes he still loves her -but he can't see empty or violent Katniss -breaks his heart.**


	12. the rain

**Midnight Necklace chapter 12**

**The rain**

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><p>We went hunting. Haymitch and I left before dawn and the woods were magnificent. Haymitch got poison ivy on his leg. We brought Peeta squirrels.<p>

"I don't remember him." Peeta announced as we ate that night. His face was troubled.

"Who?" I asked.

"I don't remember that man on the phone. He said he found my father and brother. I don't even know their names. I don't remember anything before now, but I paint things. I looked, I don't paint anyone who is my father."

"Peeta it was the treatment." Haymitch explains.

"No. I am not really Peeta am I? I am something else." He says distantly.

"You are Peeta, or at least all I have left of him."

"If I loved her. Why do I try to kill her?" Peeta asks for the third time this week.

"Because she ate all your cheese buns." Haymitch snaps. "What difference does it make? It isn't your fault Peeta! If I had done my job, kept my promise, this would have never happened! You love her and want to kill her because I failed you both. That's what I do! I fail!" Haymitch stomps out of the house.

I follow him, quietly, keeping out of his site. He heads to the woods and I follow. He takes a path I know, but rarely ever would go down. Gale had brought me here long ago. There is a tree down there that I hate. Before Thread had a gallows built in town, there had been a tree. It was called the Dule tree. It was the Hanging Tree. It is the tree from Peeta's Paintings. Haymitch stops here. He stares at the tree for a long time. He sings softly in his deep voice.

I listen fascinated; he knows stanzas I have never heard. He doesn't know I am watching and he bellows the song as if it is a joy to him.

**Are you are you coming to the tree**

****Terrible fruit dancing jigs in the breeze**

**strange things did happen there...**

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><p><strong>**=(only line that changes)<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>**Lusting after angels, as his heart stops beat<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>**They won't ever, ever, ever let us be<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>**A deathly ball, beats a one two three<strong>

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><p><strong>**Toasting our love in eternity<strong>

* * *

><p>As he began yet another round I join him. He turns and stops singing, looking annoyed at my presence.<p>

"Where did you learn all those extra versus?" I asked him.

He looks back at the tree. "I wrote a verse for every friend I have lost to this tree. They banned it a long time ago. You don't know how it warmed me when you sang it that day long ago. There are one hundred sixty six verses so far Katniss. When I add to that number, I want someone to burn this tree down."

"Haymitch what do you mean? Nobody is going to hang you." I say confused.

"I am sorry sweetheart. I am dieing. Liver cancer. The real reason we don't drink. It is going to be terrible and I am not doing it. As soon as your mother feels I am unable to continue to care for you, she intends to place you elsewhere. She will have you ripped from my arms and there is little I can do, other than hope they shoot me as it occurs. I won't have anything to bother with Katniss. So I will rest here, awaiting your arrival. I should have joined them long ago." He sits down in the grass, nearly invisible in the deep meadow weeds.

"Haymitch? You're scaring me."

"Come sit with me Katniss. I think we should talk." I sit next to him in the tall grass. He smiles at me and his voice is so gentle as he explains himself to me. He isn't leaving me any room for disagreement. He is only helping me understand, not allowing me to think I could change his mind. "I need you to know that I have made this decision. I don't want you to wonder. I don't want you to be sad or think it was your fault." He says looking at me as if he is memorizing me.

"I am going with you." I say filled with peace at the idea.

"Sweetheart, no. You can't go with me. I don't think you understand what I am telling you." He sighs with frustration. "There is nobody for me except you and Peeta. What I am sentenced to will be slow and very painful. I intend to wait until I know it is time and then I am going to join my friends on this tree."

"I do understand. I am going with you. I will go this minute if you say Haymitch. I have nobody but you and Peeta. What do you think an institution will do for me? They have taken everything Hay. They took my childhood. They took my heart. They took my mind. They took my body. They took my freedom. They took my whole life. I found another one. You and Peeta and our messy strange love, that has become all we each have. My mother has become the capital Haymitch. She took my memories. She is taking the tiny bit of joy in life I find in your arms. So what do I get to look forward to this time? Same as you said happened last time? Slow painful death at some guard's hand? I am done Haymitch. I am going with you." I am not arguing or justifying myself, I am simply telling him I agree.

His hand comes to my cheek. He leans down and kisses me reverently and gently, as if we are making a demon pact.

"Haymitch she doesn't have any cameras here" I say and kiss him hard, demanding.

"Oh God sweetheart. You have no idea how hard it has been for me. Wanting you and knowing you didn't even remember me on a good day. Sometimes I give up and I temp you to just end me. If you decide to kill me this time, I don't think I am going to even try to stop you again. I am yours." He lays on top of me, his weight on me in the grass. I know he's not supposed to touch me, but I also know he is already lost to me, so it doesn't matter now.

We lay in the grass sweating in the heat, unconcerned that we will be discovered. The deep shade of this tree protects my skin from the sun. The location protects our privacy. Who would make love under a hanging tree?

I spoke on the phone to Gale again and he and I talked about people we had lost. We even talked about Finnick Odair and how Peeta had been in district four when Annie had sailed to the sea. It was nice. I brought up Prim and told him I didn't ever blame him. I told him it was my fault for starting the war in the first place. He laughed. "Didn't you know Catnip? You didn't start it. Haymitch and Heavensbee and Johanna Mason. We all showed up late to the party. And before them, our fathers."

It was a fun conversation and Haymitch and he talked back and forth for a long time. Peeta sat listening. Peeta looks so lost I put my arms around him and he leans toward me resting his head on my stomach. "Katniss. They have stolen us all. We are gone. I have been dead haven't I?"

I kissed his head and hushed him. He said things that didn't make any sense. I remembered loving him. I remembered the boy with the bread even though this is just the zombie pieces they had not taken. I realize that we can't leave him alone.

The storm rolls, announcing itself with heat lighting and terrible wind. Haymitch has to sedate Peeta. The second quell storm was still in Peeta somewhere and he is terrified of storms. We barely have him tucked into bed when the electricity goes out. Haymitch brings us a candle. He opens a window letting some of the cool air into the house, the candle winnows to the current.

Haymitch keeps looking at me and smiling. "You know sweetheart, if the electricity is off, so are the cameras?" His eyebrows bounce suggestively.

On the couch. On the staircase. In the kitchen. Finally we make our way upstairs, like two naughty children whose parents are not home. Except the parents came home early and we didn't notice them. Haymitch and I were blissful. and for two people who had lost so much in the world, it was too precious to end.

Haymitch brings us cold drinks and as he hands me mine he turns to look at the camera. The red dot is glowing. He stands there frozen. He goes to the wall switch and flicks it. The lights blaze. He flicks them back off and leans into the wall as if in pain. "Well, that is disappointing." He says sitting defeated on the bed.

"Do you think that it….?"

"I imagine we can count on It." He says quietly. "I am sorry, sweetheart."

"Well. If they have already seen. Lets kill the camera and make it worth it." I grin. "Hay I am here tonight and we may never have another. I may slip. You may get sick before I get back. We deserve to have something."

Tears swell in his eyes. "I can pretty much guarantee we will be torn apart within the next few days. I will never see you again."

I won't cry. I refuse. "Then what are you doing over there."

"I will get the camera." He says, but I tug him back into the bed.

"Let the sick bastards watch. It's their shame they want to, not ours." Somehow knowing this was goodbye gave me a tranquil hope I had lost along the way. All the bad things in my life were over and all I had to do was give and receive all the love I had left in this world.

We fixed a huge breakfast the next morning. Peeta baked. All was right in our world. It was afternoon when we got the call. Incoming.

Haymitch and I looked at each other and smiled. We explained to Peeta. I tied the ropes. Peeta took his last loaves out of the oven. Haymitch pulled a bottle from way back in his cabinet. We took a huge basket, a blanket, and we sang as we walked happily though the new paint and sawdust scented town. This was not a sad moment for us. Others had taken everything from us all. We had outlasted the pain, but not survived it. The fact anyone still had the right to take the only thing that gave me comfort, from me, meant I had fought for nothing. Peeta died and lived on at the whims of evil for no purpose. The fact that the man who had given so many freedom, couldn't be trusted to care for one crazy girl and one mutt boy, or have those he loved with him in sickness, proved he had wasted his time suffering for the dead. The dead were free.

****Under the chin hang the Thirteen beads ***

We made our run for freedom without a backward glance. We indulge in our final feast among friends. The clearing is filled with friends. I saw Finnick who held up his son smiling, Annie at his side. Cinna stood nearby, grin on his face as if he couldn't wait to tell me a secret. The movement caught my eye first. His head shuffled through the crowd. My father broke ranks and holding Prim's hand, they took their place, waiting on us to arrive. Prim waved at me unable to contain her excitement. Haymitch looks at me and grins, " looks like you will be meeting my mother in a few minutes." Peeta watched another person standing across the veil. His head tilted as he looked at the shining version of himself, waiting to be whole again.

Haymitch sings the last verse, our song. He has written all the verses for them. They will wonder why, I imagine, unable to see the shame they brought us. They will say things they forgot to say while we were alive. They will murmur words that could have mattered, if they had bothered to say them while we were part of the world. None of it will matter to us now. We know those who loved us, and those who didn't can play their game of pretend. We are beyond pretending now. We have finally found our rescue from the hunger games.

_**Are you, are you, comin to the tree,**_

_**Midnight necklace for the world to see,**_

_**Strange things did happen here,**_

_**And now we're finally free**_

_**Come to this place of joy, they called the hanging tree.**_

Congessman Gale Hawthorne delivered the eulogy as they lay to rest the last three victors of district twelve. The triple services brought an end to the era in some ways, Hawthorn said, but he refused comment on what could have lead to the tragic discovery. The three were found hanging from an old gallows tree last week. The sad discovery made just hours before Doctor Rowan Everdeen arrived to try to intervene on what she had described as an abusive situation between the older mentor and his two young victors. Paintings made by the renowned artist, Peeta Mellark, may have foretold of the unspeakable future and the gulf of sorrow they had survived. The collection in it's entirety will find permanent display at the Gallery of Hunger games memorabilia, set to open to record crowds early next month. In other news Dr Everdeen announces her engagement to her childhood sweetheart, Herb Mellark, the father of Peeta. The two felt the announcement would show that even in the most tragic moments of life, hope can exist….

"Burn in hell Doc." Gale says clicking the television off and returning to his papers. He couldn't read the damned letters again, but here he was scanning them, wanting to feel close to her. He clicked the video player on. It was a security tape. Doc Everdeen had included it in her petition for guardianship and her charges she'd filed against Haymitch Abernathy.

The last night they had, the cameras had run with battery back up. He didn't watch them to be aroused. He watched them because his Catnip was there. It soothed him to know she'd found joy in the old bastards arms. Once he wanted to be the one who brought it, but in some ways, he had. He didn't feel guilty that his call to them, warned them and drove them to what they did. He felt like he'd done her the greatest kindness he could imagine. Haymitch had been her lover. The only one she ever knew at least by choice.

Gale had run Haymitch's file. For a time, he had been almost convinced that Katniss could only be in danger from Haymitch. He had a nickname among the other capital whores of his day. He was known as The Marquee. He had a file that was almost as thick as Finnick's. Both had been used by the capitol. Haymitch was a shocking revelation. He glanced again at the man's specialties, and then played the tape.

The tape showed a person who was madly in love with a much younger woman and worshiped her. The file spoke of the monster they had made him. Gale was on a quest. He had known for some time that Katniss wasn't as crazy as the Doc claimed. Gale knew what they did to the Mutt version of Peeta just to keep him under control. He was surprised to discover that Peeta had not been the only one tortured. Katniss, had been as well, right under his nose at Coin's order.

Catnip had not left him. She had not lost her mind. She had not lost her fire. Coin had had her extinguished. Always sedated, then constantly confused, how had he missed it?

He found out from another file what had happened to Katniss while she had been 'on trial'. When the conspirators had discovered Haymitch Abernathy was on their trail, they send four paid professional assassins. Katniss had killed two of them and maimed another. That was his Katniss. Gale had the delight of interviewing that survivor personally. Strange what one crazy girl locked away in district twelve and unable to brush her teeth could tell you when she was asked. Gale wished he had gone hunting with her one last time. He could have saved her perhaps. Instead, he'd been distracted by his true path.

Had made 11 trips back to district 12 to visit her. She knew something. She could see something in her state, because she could give him information that he could obtain no other place. They say she talked with the dead. She had identified the unidentifiable as she had dug through the ashes of district twelve. They followed her with a camera once and she had spoken to people, sometimes even arguing, but mostly she had begged forgiveness. She had not shuffled along digging randomly. She had infallibly bent to a place in the blackened soot and gently uncovered remains.

Gale smiled at the girl on the screen. "I will always love you Catnip. I found him for you. I have the real Snow located. I am going to make him pay for a long time Katniss. They want me to run for president. It is just a game really, I already am. I am going to be in that office soon. Then I am going to make them pay my love. I am going to make them all pay for as long as I live. Thanks to this amazing beverage, that could be an eternity."

Gale smiled and poured the tiny shot glass full of the poison. It was scented deceptively, but he knew it's secrets. The smell of roses assaulted him just before he downed the liquid. The curse of his losses ran through him as he began to cough and smile.

President Gale Hawthorne addressed a crowd today, giving a sentimental look at the life of Katniss Everdeen. He has often made reference to her tragic loss, but he promised her faith in the world lives on in …

"Mrs. Mellark, how kind of you to join me. How is your new husband?" The president said with his dead gray eyes and his simpering smile.

"I didn't feel it was an invitation so much as an order…Mr. President. What did you want to discuss." Doctor Rowan Mellark said, sitting stiffly before the boy she'd always thought would one day be part of her family. He had changed. There was a lingering odor around him of blood and roses.

"I want to discuss our past, my dear. I was always meant to be here you know. Your first husband along with my father had quite the scheme figured out. They were hung for it of course, but you knew all along didn't you. You knew the mine accident was a lie. My problem is that, I was meant to have someone by my side. Someone who, in the end, you took from me. You killed my Katniss. You sent her to the Dole Tree as surely as you sent my father."

"And you killed my Prim." She argues softly.

"Tragically, I did." He admits with no guilt. He smiles softly at her flinch. "I always thought we were friends. To bad that was never really the case. You have lied to me and I must say, I don't think I can forgive you for it."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Are you …..are you…comin to the tree<strong>_

_**I have come to THE END you see,**_

_**Strange things have come along**_

_**And stranger they may be**_

_**When you get a look at the enemy…..**_

_**************************XXXXXXXXXXXX**_

_Ok I am hoping this explained with out OVER explaining._

_(An old American long-drop hangman's knot has thirteen turns on the noose - for the thirteen beads of the song stanza Haymitch had written -it is not the same as the more humane, less gruesome knots used elsewhere or the noose used for a short drop…the extra turns on a long drop noose are to keep the top knot from slipping from the force of the drop tension….I refuse to explain angel lust -you'll have to look that one up on your own)_

_If you have questions - I will answer or I will edit for clarity -I know it's very dark -that's kinda what I do - but there is always a happy ending in my darkness -lol yeah there are actually puns, within puns to that statement. (they are hidden in my writing as well)_

_Thank you all for reading. Please check out my other stories -_

_THE LIE, (no Lemons but in progress and it is getting darker-Haymitch and Katniss in the quell - no rebel save)_

_WHERE THE WAVES MEET THE SKY, (Finnick remembers Mags – no lemons)_

_HAYMITCH THE HORRIBLE (Haymitch pulls a mean joke on Finn and boy does it cost him- very mature subject) and_

_THE MOCKINGJAY AND THE CHAMELEON (Lots of lemons, lemon aid and lemon pie -Ganiss, Hayniss, Finniss, and Peeniss -somthin for everyone!)_

_Thank you all for you're reviews…and just so you know -lol there are five times as many hits on the chapter -'Playing possum' as any of the rest of this story -lol. It seems Hayniss is not as offensive to some of you as your reviews would reflect…..grin. Just had to share…..Love and hugs (In a non-creepy way) Howlynn_


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